Archive - 2016

December 14th

Using His Powers For... Well, Not Good, Exactly

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Memo to Mitt Romney, Donald Trump, and Steve King: YOU ARE TRUMP.

Survival strategies in the Era of Trump include self-care, and for me, self-care often includes schadenfreude. And enjoying the little things in life. Both of which Donald Trump has provided unto me as IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"It was an honor to have been considered for Secretary of State of our great country. My discussions with President-elect Trump have been both enjoyable and enlightening. I have very high hopes that the new administration will lead the nation to greater strength, prosperity and peace." - Mitt Romney, pretending to be gracious through gritted teeth on Facebook.

In the "take what we can get" department, Donald Trump's most enviable political talent is his ability to use politicians' most craven instincts against them. You saw it in the primaries, and you saw it here, as Trump once again forces an establishment Republican to kiss his ring, only to reveal he was wearing that ring on his extended middle finger.

I guarantee you Romney was never, EVER going to be Secretary of State. For one thing, by Trump standards, he's overqualified. Romney's fake consideration was entirely about making the former NeverTrumper do a 180-degree flip-flop and humiliate himself for the sake of political expediency. And it worked, because Romney is a sad little fuckweasel. And if I have to spend four years watching Trump wreak havoc, at least here his target was deserving, even if his actions were petty.

"I don’t have to be told — you know, I’m, like, a smart person. I don’t have to be told the same thing in the same words every single day for the next eight years. Could be eight years — but eight years. I don’t need that.” - Donald Trump, explaining why he doesn't need daily intelligence briefings.

Again, President Trump will offer us very few joys when he takes office. We are morally obligated to squeeze as much joy as we can out of ever single time he proclaims, in the dumbest possible way, what a genius he is. It's one of the most genuinely, unintentionally hilarious things he does with his very good brain, and it's completely fucking ridiculous.

Unfortunately, this quote also exposes yet another news fail of epic proportions. He didn't just say he skipped briefings because he was smart, he said he skipped them because it's the same information every day. That's a very simple thing to check against. It he's right, then he's actually freed up important government resources from a repetitive, pointless job. And if he's wrong, he's a dipshit who has no idea what he's doing. I have my suspicions, but wouldn't it be nice to know for sure?

"Among all of these DREAMers, there are some awfully bad people,” King said in an interview with CNN host Alisyn Camerota. “Some of these DREAMers go on to the age of 37 or 38 or maybe older, and that’s if they tell the truth." - Steve King, America's Stupidest Congresscritter, making his noted return to these hallowed halls.

One of the signs of how broken we are as a society is how often we let empathy-free assholes off the hook for being empathy-free assholes. And one of the most common ways of doing it is for them to claim that they're withholding help from people because those people, or some of those people, or a few of those people, are somehow undeserving. We all know the real reason, of course. Helping people is not part of the Republican ideology. Helping brown people, doubly so.

So, yeah. Welfare recipients are buying steaks. Syerian refugees are terrorists. And DREAMers are drug traffickers who are lying about their age. Why would they lie about their age? All you need to qualify for a DACA excemption is to have been brought to the country when you were a child. Your actual age is irrelevant. But Steve King thinks you might be less sympathetic to a middle-aged dreamer than the fresh-faced college students you often see. And so he might appeal to the monster inside you for his own political gain.