Archive - Jan 2, 2017

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Episode '17: A New Hope

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Memo to 2017: LET'S GIVE THIS A TRY.

Now, I know I ended 2016 on a pessimistic note. But I've had some time to think about it, and reflect on the nature of bitterness and cynicism, and I've decided that my New Year's Resolution is to give people a chance. Give America a chance. We're the shining city on a hill, after all. The greatest country on Earth in so many ways not measured by actual data.

In fact, in this spirit of optimism and openness, let me just hop on Twitter for a second.

"Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!" - President-Elect Donald Trump, at 7:17 A.M., New Year's Eve.

Let's think about this for a second. Intellectually. NOT VISUALLY. I'm warning you in advance not to think about this visually, because it's going to be extremely unpleasant for you if you think about this visually. Focus on the words. Just the words.

Donald Trump is 70 years old. It was 7:17 in the morning. Odds are, this tweet was made with a full bladder and an enlarged prostate. the morning wood phenomenon ensures that Donald Trump's dick was, measured solely against Donald Trump's dick as a standard unit of measurement, was as large as it gets. And it still wasn't big enough to keep him from being incredibly insecure.

And then, a day or so later, he promised to have soem evidence that Russia wasn't behind the hacked e-mails that helped torpedo Hillary Clinton's cmapaign and get him elected. Probably Tuesday or Wednesday, he said, and the media reported, ignoring all the other times he said he'd have something in a few days in order to grab headlines and then not actually follow through with it.

So this is the kind of feces the President will be smearing all over the walls for the cameras while every right-wing think tank creams itself in a rush to get its agenda through Paul Ryan's Congress. What's that think that's like pessimism, only , you know? Squared?