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December 19th

And It’s Not Even Clean Coal

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Memo to John Cornyn, Matt Damon, and Bill O’Reily: COAL IN THE STOCKINGS.

It’s the holiday season, which means the aready sporadic schedule gets even more so, but I wanted to make sure to put three more IDIOTS on the naughty list because they SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

”Under #TaxCutsandJobsAct a married couple earning $100,000 per year ($60,000 from wages, $25,000 from their non-corporate business, and $15,000 in business income) will receive a tax cut of $2,603.50, a reduction of nearly 24 percent. “ - Senator John Cornyn, fudging the math.

We’ve heard a lot of bullshit numbers over the months leading up to tomorrow’s likely passage of the GOP’s shitpile tax bill, from the $4,000 the “average” family would receive, which was clearly a lie, to the $1,000 tax cut you could use to buy a new car. but this takes the fucking cake. To get less than a $3,000 tax cut, or a 2.8% boost in income, all you have to do is have one really good job and two side businesses that combined earn you over three grand a month.

And you’re supposed to be happy for that measly three grand that you have to be pretty well-off to begin with to even get, so that the children of multibillionaires get all the multibillions and not some of the multibillions when the multibillionaires finally die. There’s a reason “late-stage capitalism” is being used as a derisive insult these days. The Republicans entire game plan is to throw you some tiny, temporary crumbs in your paycheck so that you’ll be OK with them giving away the rest of the fucking Treasury to their friends. It’s actually a fairly effective strategy because people are stupid, yet this thing still can barely crack 30% in popularity polling. I’m too cynical to think people are wising up, but it’d be nice.

“We’re in this watershed moment, and it’s great, but I think one thing that’s not being talked about is there are a whole s—tload of guys — the preponderance of men I’ve worked with — who don’t do this kind of thing and whose lives aren’t going to be affected,” - Matt Damon, who apparently wasn’t on Twitter when we were making fun of the Not All Men hashtag.

At the risk of speaking for women, I’m pretty sure that when women (or any group undergoing systemic victimization, asks us to stop talking and start listening, the last week of Matt Damon is exactly the bullshit they’re talking about. You’re not going to find gold, dude. STOP DIGGING.

You know what most of the dudes whose dicks ended up on pikes in the past month have in common? Most of their dude friends would have sworn up and down that none of them would have done something like that. You know what else they had in common? Most of them believed THEY THEMSELVES hadn’t done something like that. Maybe give the new movement more than a few weeks before you feel the need to stridently leap to the defense of median male virtue.

“Here’s the Tip of the Day: many clothing companies have stealthily cut back on material, so order your stuff one size larger than you are. I am 6’4”, 210 pounds and an XL used to do it. Not anymore. Now XXL.” - Serial sexual harasser and lower middle tier podcaster Bill O’Reilly.

Bill O’Reilly is a dumb husky boy who doesn’t realize how dumb or husky he is. Also, lest we ever forget, Bill O’Reilly once visited a soul food restaurant and was shocked to discover that black people ate like normal human beings and not stereotypes from a racist’s version of a blaxploitation film. That always bears repeating.

Also, this is classic, pure conservatism. Free markets all the way and personal responsibility, but when your clothes don’t fit it’s not your fault, it’s a corporate conspiracy. And he’s so enmeshed in his own dumb, nonsensical worldview that he straight up warned his audience about it not realizing what he was revealing about himself. And he’ll go the rest of his life not knowing how many people are laughing.