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December 13th

Celebrate Not Entirely Horrible Times Come On

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Memo to Ted Crockett, Toni Lahren, and Roy Moore: YOU ARE DUMB.

Before we celebrate Roy Moore’s defeat in a special Roy Moore’s Defeat edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, I want to point out that there are three groups of people responsible for Roy Moore’s defeat, and anyone else claiming credit or blame or providing analysis otherwise cannot be trusted. First are Republican primary voters, who picked an obvious monster. Second are the people who worked tirelessly for months to overcome the systemic obstacles Alabama deliberately put into place to keep minorities from voting. And third are those minorities, especially in the African-American community, who overcame those obstacles and voted. They did this. Nobody else did.

“Ohh no, I swore on the Bible, I done it three times. ” - Roy Moore campaign spokesman Ted Crockett, on CNN.

You’ve probably seen this, but what Ted Crockett went and done three times was be sworn into political office on a Bible, which should terrify you based on his sentence structure alone. And then you get to his fervent belief, expressed to Jake Tapper, that you have to swear on a Bible, and that’s why Roy Moore thinks Muslims shouldn’t hold public office.

If you haven’t seen the video, you definitely should look for it, because Crockett’s slack-jawed, lizard-blinking incredulity and shock at a fact that should have been obvious to him for years but somehow wasn’t will confirm all your worst thoughts about Moore supporters and all your worst stereotypes about the Deep South. The latter isn’t really fair, but when you look at the racial breakdowns of the Alabama Senate race, I think being a little unfair to white people is fine.

”Moore lost and yet I don’t hear any reports of Moore supporters skipping work, staging cry-ins, or marching in stupid-ass hats. Amazing.” - Semi-pro idiot Toni Lahren.

As a general rule, I don’t like to put people whose only job is to get paid to say stupid shit space in this column. But I’m making an exception here in Lahren’s case, mostly because I cannot figure out for the life of me how she makes any money off it. And in this case, Mirror Universe Tina Fey is making bold new strides in the realm of false equivalency.

Moore supporters aren’t skipping work because Wal-Mart would fire them as greeters. They are wearing stupid-ass hats, they’re just not wearing specific stupid-ass hats about the election, they’re just wearing their normal, everyday stupid-ass hats. And nobody’s protesting Moore’s loss because, wait for it, EVERYBODY’S HAPPY ROY MOORE LOST. Even his supporters can’t quite delude themselves into thinking a moderate Democrat winning an ordinary Senate seat is worth marching in the streets over. And they deluded themselves into a lot.

“But we also know that God is always in control. You know, part of the thing — part of the problem with this campaign is we’ve been painted in an unfavorable and unfaithful light. We’ve been put in a hole, if you will.” - Roy Moore, during his not-concession speech.

Moore is so close to being correct here. There’s definitely a strong causal connection with him losing the Senate seat and things being put in holes. It’s really just the passive voice where he gets it all wrong. Still, nice to see he and his wife share the duties of trying to make the most awkward statement of the final days of the campaign.

I don’t understand religious types, though. Why would you precede your statement that you’ve been unfairly tarred with the sin of child molestation by saying your all-powerful loving God who you obey so unquestioningly you lost your job TWICE over it is “in control”? Is it God who wanted you to lose? Or is it God who wants you to pretend like there’s still a chance so that you and the Alabama Secretary of State can draw out your certification for as long as possible to make sure the tax cut bill that two-thirds of Americans hate gets signed into law? Truly, he works in mysterious ways.