Archive - Jan 2017

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January 24th

Un Poco Picante

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Memo to Sean Spicer: WELL, YOU'LL BE KEEPING ME BUSY.

For the first, and definitely not the last time, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS turns its attention to Sean Spicer, a man whose single qualification for becoming Illiterate Pee Freak Donald Trump's press secretary was the total number of journalism students he stuffed into lockers in high school and college. Like all press secretaries, Spicer's job is to feed his boss's lies to a gullible, willing press desperate for a cushy gig in the briefing room. Unlike other press secretaries, his boss's lies are the stuff of utter madness.

"This was the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration, period. Both in person and around the globe.” / “I have a right to say if you add up the network streaming numbers, Facebook, YouTube, all of the various live streaming that we have information on so far, I don’t think there’s any question it was the largest watched inauguration, ever.” - Angry Daddy Sean Spicer and Baby Don't Leave Me Sean Spicer on inauguration crowds.

Now, I know that in this administration, sentence structure will be cratering far deeper than the already historic lows of George W. Bush, but what you said was that the in person was the largest and the online was also the largest, not that the in person and online put together was the largest. But hey, good job playing Ike Turner to the press's Tina. By the time Monday rolled around, they were so happy you hadn't hit them again they gave you a pass.

I mean, they could have noticed the incredible display of weasel words in your lie to cover your lie. Why yes, I don't think anyone could dispute that you have the right to say you don't think anyone would question the total. You'd be wrong to not think that, of course, but you certainly have the right to say it, just like I have the right to say that calling you a feckless lickspittle would be an insult to licking, spittle, and fecking.

"If Dippin' Dots was truly the ice cream of the future they would not have run out of vanilla” - Vice Minister of Propaganada Sean Spicer, less than 18 months ago, on Twitter.

In all of this, I think it's important to remember that, at the end of the day, Sean Spicer is more than just a thick-necked third-place finisher in Donald Trump's propaganda Human Centipede. He's also a person. A lunk-headed, petty person with a five-year-long Twitter vendetta against Dippin' Dots that culminated in his failure to acquire the whitest of all flavors at the whitest of all sporting events, a Washington Nationals baseball game.

But that's Trumpism in a nutshell, isn't it? Spend five years intermittently railing against a dessert product's claim to be the "ice cream of the future" and then be super pissed when you can't get any. "Fuck all you assholes for not liking me!"

"Beginning later this week, I’m excited to announce we’re going to have four what we call “Skype Seats” live here in the briefing room. This will open up the briefing to journalists who live beyond 50 miles of the Washington, D.C. area and to organizations that don’t currently have a hard pass... I think this can benefit us all by giving a platform to voices that are not necessarily based here in the Beltway. - White House Press Your Luck Secretary Sean Spicer.

The four seats haven't been assigned yet, but early reports suggest they'll be going to Stormfront, Pravda, whichever free porn site they can find that doesn't have any interracial stuff on it, and a Twitter account with an egg avatar and "88" in the username.

This is one of those good ideas with bad intentions behind it. Because the intent isn't to open up the press briefing to more diverse voices, which would be an admirable goal. It's to provide an even wider pool of options to funnel questions to demonstrably loyal media outlets and away from anyone who challenges him, like, say, Jake Tapper, who apparently finally had his FOIA request for his testicles fulfilled this week. All proving that "access journalism" doesn't even get to be part of the Propaganda Human Centipede, it just gets to pick up the results in little plastic baggies afterwards.