Archive - Feb 8, 2017

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The Way Of The Con

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Memo to Kellyanne Conway: STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU.

The last time we had a proper IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, a couple of weeks ago, I devoted it to Sean Spicer, the far end of Donald Trump's Propaganda Human Centipede. It has since become clear that the DTPHC is inaccurately named, and has four, not three, components. Steve Bannon is at the front, Donald Trump second, Kellyanne Conway third, and Sean Spicer bringing up the rear, as it were. Hashtag President Bannon. Maybe I'll just work my way up the chain. Hey, let's go bowling!

"President Obama had a six-month ban on the Iraqi refugee program after two Iraqis came here to this country, were radicalized, and they were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green massacre. Most people don't know that because it didn't get covered." - Conway, trying to justify the Muslim Ban on MSNBC.

There are four significant problems with this statement. First, Obama's ban, unlike Trump's, wasn't actually a ban, it was a tightening of vetting and a slowdown. Basically, Obama's not-ban is what Trump is pretending his ban is so he can say it's not a ban. Second, the incident was reported, and that's how we know that, Third, it wasn't a massacre or even an attack, it was two guys being arrested for mailing guns back to Iraq. And fourth, Chris Matthews didn't know she was lying because he's a fucking potato.

Why would she make such an obvious lie? Well, most people can't keep track of all the terror attacks out there. Even if you limit it to the ones by brown people instead of the ones against brown people, it's still tough to track. And since the Muslim Ban is predicated on the fear of nonexistent terror attacks by refugees, you want to create the impression that those nonexistent attacks, well, exist.

“I clarified immediately. I should have said terrorists and not massacre. I’m sure it will live on for a week." - Conway, mad because people keep making fun of her for making shit up.

This is my favorite kind of walkback, the "misspeak" and the "what I should have said" that makes absolutely no sense with the context of the original statement. What she should have said is that the Iraqis were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green Terrorists? Yeah, that's it. My six-month estimate for your reduction to aphasic babbling might be too optimistic.

If you don't want to spend weeks being mocked for making up really obvious shit on national TV, here's a hint. STOP SUCKING SO HARD AT LYING. I know your target audience is even dumber than you are, but your target audience is also shrinking. I'm comfortable encouraging you to up your bullshit game because I'm confident you've peaked. Partly because of this.

"He did, it’s a fact. Why did he do that? He did that for exactly the same reasons. He did that because two Iraqi nationals came to this country, joined ISIS, traveled back to the Middle East to get trained and refine their terrorism skills and come back here and were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green massacre of taking innocent soldiers’ lives away." - Conway, in an interview with Cosmopolitan, days before the MSNBC interview.

Cosmo didn't use the quote, because, well, they're print journalists and they have time to Google shit crazy assholes tell them before they put it out into the world. And they knew it was bullshit. And they weren't gonna say anything because, well, they're Cosmo, and they had to rewrite "touch the top part of his dick" into 50 more sex tips that will blow him away. But then when Conway lied about lying, Cosmo stepped up, because, well, America is gradually coming to the inevitable conclusion that "fuck these guys".

A lot of people have compared Kellyanne Conway to Hitler's propaganda chief Joseph Goebbels. It's a fair comparison for Conway, but an incredibly insulting one for Goebbels. Once again, the main difference between this cadre of neo-Nazis and the actual Nazis seems to be coming down to basic organization and competence. Nazis are bad, and these are some bad Nazis.