Archive - Feb 2017

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February 19th

Oklahoma, The Ges-State

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Memo to Justin Humphrey: I STILL GOT TIME FOR YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.

Don't get me wrong. Donald Trump's 77-minute Thursday news conference, entitled "A Whole Bunch Of Things You'd Fire Your Auto Mechanic For Saying But Are Somehow OK For The President", was a jarring reminder of the existential threat we face as a nation. And just two days later, he somehow got convinced that a Fox News documentary about immigrants in Sweden was not only accurate, but had in fact happened as it aired, judging by how he referred to it in his campaign rally. Which he held in Florida, obviously because after four weeks of being in a city where everyone else is smarter than him, he needed an ego boost.

But it's important to remember that when, and if, we survive Trumpism, we still have garden variety social conservativism waiting in the wings to turn our world into a Handmaid's Tale LARP. And to remind us of that, we turn to Oklahoma, where it's a hundred degrees in February but global worming is still a liberal hoax.

In The Other Hellhole With A Panhandle, new lawmaker Justin Humphrey wants to "improve" his state's abortion laws so that any woman who wants to terminate a pregnancy just has to tell the doctor who the father is and then get the father's permission, and if the father doesn't grant permission, oh well! Carry that fetus to term and raise it for the rest of its life!

You might think, given the leanings of this column, that Justin Humphrey proposed this law because he's a misogynistic asshole. But you would be wrong. That phrase describes his attitude so incompletely it borders on lying by omission. Let's hear it in his own words. ACTUAL QUOTES TIME!

"I believe one of the breakdowns in our society is that we have excluded the man out of all of these types of decisions."

Let's stop you right there, Sunshine. There is no societal breakdown. Even now. What's breaking down now are institutional structures, not society. I mean, obviously, what you call "societal breakdowns" are just non-straight non-white non-asshole men gaining power at the slight expense of the Humphreys of the world. But what other types of these decisions are men left out of? He's talking about consent, isn't he? I bet he's talking about consent.

"I understand that they feel like that is their body,” he said of women. “I feel like it is a separate — what I call them is, is you’re a ‘host.’ "

ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF? DO YOU REALIZE HOW YOU SOUND? I mean, clearly, you've put some "thought" into this, because you clearly been working on this for a while the way your sentence is structured. And you live in Oklahoma, so it's possible you've explained this nomenclature before without getting punched in the dick until you learn better.

"And you know when you enter into a relationship you’re going to be that host and so, you know, if you pre-know that then take all precautions and don’t get pregnant.”

Not only is Humphrey presenting a sort of best-case scenario for why and how two people might fuuuuuuuuck, I have to say "sort of" because he describes it super-creepily, like a Chick Tract about "your first time". Oh, and Humphrey wears a cowboy hat with a suit, so he probably also wears it during sex. And thinks it's a precaution.

"So that’s where I’m at. I’m like, hey, your body is your body and be responsible with it. But after you’re irresponsible then don’t claim, well, I can just go and do this with another body, when you’re the host and you invited that in.”

Nice, huh? I mean, you notice there's nothing about this bill that says the man who objects has to take sole custody of the child. Which would still be horrific, but would at least be a more honest, open version of the "men should have a say in whether or not they have a child" argument. But they never say that because no matter how much they say they love babies, none of them would ever, EVER choose to be a single dad. They don't want a say, they want control. And they want you to shut up and gestate their ego extensions for them.