Archive - Mar 2017


March 26th

Lacking The Elegance Of A Dumpster Fire

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Memo to Donald Trump: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA YOU SUCK AT THIS.

I'm not saying it was worth seeing Donald Trump get elected just to get to watch him fail spectacularly. Really, I'm not. But goddamn, if the past four days haven't been glorious to watch. And yes, a lot of that was the humiliating defeat of the AHCA, but not all of it.

I have, in the past, portrayed TrumpRyanCare as a garbage barge. So here's what happened. First, according to accounts, they set the garbage barge on fire by inviting the House Freedom Caucus, a wretched hive of scum, villainy, and Atlas Shrugged Cliff Notes, to the White House. There, ratmasturbator Steve Bannon, told them to shut the fuck up and fucking vote for the fucking garbage barge.

This went over... poorly. So, to appease the Freedom Caucus, they started shoveling a bunch of random garbage onto the garbage barge, hoping to improve the smell. This ultimately led to eliminating the requirement that insurance cover essential health benefits. So, if it had passed, your insurance company could just decide not to cover shit from maternity care and mammograms to things even men benefit from, like emergency room visits. Because why should insurance companies have to pay for that?

>It wasn't enough. Whatever Trump "left on the field", as Sean Spicer keps saying like it was a mantra that would keep the failure demons away, it wasn't enough, and rather than force their members to say on the record that they love the stench of a burning garbage barge, they pulled the bill, and any future stuff they do won't be through the budget reconciliation process, their way to get around Democratic opposition.

And now Trump's blaming Democrats and Ryan and saying he never promised to repeal and replace Obamacare anyway, and everyone's laughing at him and his defenders have gone super quiet in many of their usual haunts. But that's not important right now. Because in the middle of all this, as the House was postponing the vote for a day before cancelling it altogether, Donald Trump made a fool of himself in a truck.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Being in charge of Donald Trump's optics has got to be a job people leave for cleaner, more relaxing jobs like fixing exploding sewage pipes. But still. Trump went full manchild, and proceeded to spend the rest of the day handling important presidential business while wearing an I HEART TRUCKS pin on his lapel. A pin that no eleven-year-old in the country would wear because it would be too embarrassing.

I mean, you've seen the pictures. Of course you've seen the pictures. How could you not see the pictures? The pictures are everywhere. Why are they everywhere? Because if you take all the video of the last 30 years of presidents dancing awkwardly at cultural performances and foreign visits, and added the awkwardness and embarrassment of all of them, you might APPROACH the level of a single one of Trump's truck pictures.

Couldn't have happened to a shittier guy. This is the best weekend I've had in six months.