Archive - Mar 2017

Date

March 21st

Everything Old Is New Again

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Memo to Tim Allen, Sean Spicer, and Mick Mulvaney: YOU ARE DUMB.

Goddamn, I've been doing this too long. I actually thought, briefly, that both Mick Mulvaney and Tim Allen were newly emerging IDIOTS, but it turns out one of them has SAID THE DAMNDEST THINGS on at least two occasions and the other was in a shitty remake of The Shaggy Dog back when that could still register on my awfulness radar. Now they can make a movie about fucking talking emoji and I can barely bring myself to hate it. Anyway.

"You gotta be real careful around here, you know. You'll get beat up if you don't believe what everybody believes. This is like '30s Germany. I don't know what happened. If you're not part of the group: 'You know what we believe is right,' I go 'Well, I might have a problem with that.’" - Tim Allen, special snowflake.

Jesus, rich white man, what the fuck more do you want? You're a world-famous comedian, you've starred in two hit TV series and a dozen or so awful fucking movies that people spent money to see. Your political party is in control of the government. Well, they're in power. It still remains to seen how "in control" of shit they are, given that the president was just officially declared a complete moron liar by several law enforcement agencies. But still.

You have all that, and you go on a late-night network talk show. Where you were invited, no less. You didn't have to fight your way past security to deliver your message. You go on the talk show you were invited to and you whine because people aren't always nice to you and you don't get invited to all the parties. You fucking wuss. Another fucking aggrieved white male with 99% whining because he thinks he should have 100%. Tool Man, indeed.

"You saw him utilize this as an opportunity with Prime Minister Abe to help foster a deeper relationship in southeast Asia, in Asia rather, and have a growing relationship that’s going to help U.S. interests. On a couple of occasions, he’s actually conducted meetings there, he’s had phone calls. Just because he heads there doesn’t mean that’s what’s happening.” - Thick Neck Spicy Boy, defending his boss's weekly, expensive golf outings.

First and foremost, someone reset the "minutes since Sean Spicer fucked something up" clock. Asia's a big place, dude. If you're not sure where Japan is in it, don't fucking guess. Just say Asia. We'll ALL be happier. Also, when two law enforcement agencies come out and say your boss is a moron liar about the last president wiretapping him, and nobody's even suggesting he should resign over it, maybe you don't need to twist logic into knots trying to justify your boss's rank hypocrisy over Obama's golfing.

We get it. When a white guy plays golf, he's networking, he's working hard, he's having meetings, he's making connections, and sometimes, apparently, he's not even playing golf. I guess the Southern White House has its own Southern White House. Eighteen of them. But when a black guy does it, he's shiftless and lazy. May as well just say it at this point. You've said everything else. Can't rebuild the presidency with someone else's babies.

"The only way to get truly universal care is to throw people in jail if they don't have it. And we are not going to do that." - White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, who's emerged from relative obscurity to become the Trump appointee most likely to threaten to close an orphanage.

Seriously, where the fuck did this guy come from? I mean, the Internet tells me he's a career politician from South Carolina, which I guess is an improvement over "real life inspiration for Will Arnett in the Michael Bay Ninja Turtles", but still. The guy's just been a fountain of evil once they finally had a reason to stick a microphone in front of his mouth. You'd think someone like that would have been mentioned more than twice in this column in the last dozen years.

But this is madness. There are dozens of examples, all over the world, of countries where single-payer systems provide universal care. Care is not coverage. You'd have to throw people in jail if they didn't have coverage, but if you have single payer universal care, nobody cares if you don't take advantage of it. You know what there aren't any examples of anywhere? A free market health care system that works for shit. I'm not saying throwing people in jail isn't the answer to SOME of America's problems right now, mind you. Just not this one.