Archive - Mar 2017

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March 16th

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Memo to Betsy DeVos, Ben Carson, Mike Bost, Kellyanne Conway, & Pat McCrory: YOU ARE DUMB.

One of the consequences of reading more Twitter is I end up having to save research in open Safari tabs. Which irritates me on a fundamental nerd level. So let's clear that shit out. SPASTIC TOPIC OPEN-TAB MONKEY FRIDAY!

It's old news, I know, but there's still something astonishing about what Betsy DeVos and Ben Carson learned from Black History Month. It'd be astonishing if they weren't two members of the President's Cabinet, but that fact makes it mindboggling. In one week, they explained to us how slaves came to America looking for a better life - a better life where their descendants would be able to found their own colleges in the name of SCHOOL CHOICE. This is basically Holocaust denial as applied to American slavery. If Mel Gibson said this they'd stop nominating him for Oscars again for like five years.


Speaking of casual misguided racism, shout out to Illinois Republican Mike Bost, who, back when people yelling at Republicans holding town halls was a really important thing, justified his cowardly unwillingness to hold any by comparing them to "the cleansing the Orientals used to have". In his defense, at least he didn't say that cleansing was thanks to an ancient Chinese secret, huh?


Now, I know the entire Internet has gotten to make a joke about microwaves and cameras before I have, but goddammit, I'm not throwing away my... shot.

The fact is, microwaves make great spy cameras. Everyone knows there's no intelligence more valuable than what world leaders look like squinting through filthy glass at a frozen burrito. They can use radar to determine the range, of course. And thanks to the MINUTE PLUS button, their storage is practically infinite. And can a GoPro make nachos? It cannot. Fuck GoPros.


But if you really want to feel better about life, look no further than Sad Pat McCrory. You may remember the former North Carolina governor for his ham-handed attempt to accomplish... something for society by policing bathrooms using a Neanderthal definition of gender. Anyway, that little escapade has apparently made it difficult for anyone in the private sector to bee seen with him, because he's generally regarded as a bad person on account of doing bad things. That McCrory somehow hasn't managed to find even a wingnut welfare radio gig after two months out of office is a bright spot in an otherwise horrifying world.