Archive - Apr 2017

Date

April 27th

They're Just Dipshits

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Memo to Donald Trump, Robert Fisher, and VOICE: YOU ARE DUMB.

Obviously, dumb is dangerous. Dumb is evil. Dumb is the single greatest problem facing the world today. But dumb is also ridiculously dumb, and that's funny. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

There was a report this week that reconfirmed my longtime suspicion that Donald Trump's relationship with power is more about his relationship with the trappings of power than the power itself. This is why he makes a shitty dictator. He doesn't drop bombs to strike fear in the hearts of his enemies, he drops bombs because Fareed Zakaria likes him better when he drops bombs. Again, cosplay Mussolini, not proper Mussolini. It doesn't make him less dangerous, but it does make him differently dangerous.

Anyway, the story is that Donald Trump has a special red button he keeps on his Presidential desk in the Oval Office. If you haven't heard this story yet, take a few moments to imagine what, exactly, an ominous red button on Donald Trump's desk might do. Really let your imagination run wild. It'll be funnier when I tell you that when Trump presses the red button, a butler brings him a Coke. It's not clear whether he had the button made after he was inaugurated, or whether he's had it for years and brought it with him, but that's your fuckin' President right there. A special Coke button for his butler.


Shout out to Robert Fisher for also proving me super-right on one of my other long-standing assertions: that there is no lower form of political life than the Republican state representative. As a rule, they're either young sociopaths just beginning their career to be the next poor-kicker like Paul Ryan, or they're so stupid and venal their political career will never make it past their lowly post. Case in point, New Hampshire state rep Fisher, who was outed this week as the founder of the MRA sub-Reddit "Red Pill", the place on the Internet that makes the YouTube comments seem like the Algonquin Round Table.

Fisher has refused to resign despite the release of his posts, including one that says rape can't be all bad since the man likes it. You see, he's going to keep fighting "for men's rights and the rights of all", which as anyone who's even briefly touched upon the Men's Rights movement knows is an inherent contradiction. Emphasis on the dick. He has since released an official statement which probably warrants its own column explaining the "context" for his statements which makes him out to be a bigger douche than the out-of-context quotes do, because he's classic Men's Rights and therefore deeply sad inside.


And finally, thank you, America. This week, the Trump-emboldened, self-selected bag of assholes known as Immigration and Customs Enforcement set up their promised "VOICE" service, which collects and reports on crimes by immigrants to make people feel worse about immigrants so that they won't mind when jackbooted ICEholes lie about being the police and yank domestic violence victims out of courthouses to deport them.

The response was immediate. The hotline was flooded with calls about crimes by aliens. Adbductions, Bigfoot sightings, mentions of Superman, and even crimes by Melania Trump. Because somehow, despite being supported almost entirely by assholes from Reddit and 4Chan, the Trump administration has no idea what will happen when you hand the Internet a ball of yarn. Another success for the first hundred days!