Archive - 2017

November 21st

Creepin’ For The Lord

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Memo to Flip Benham, Rick Perry, and Roy Moore: YOU ARE CREEPY.

There’s a lot of creepery being exposed these days. Just yesterday, Charlie Rose and John Lasseter’s dicks were the latest to be mouinted on pikes as a warning to the rest. But as this particular swamp gets all too slowly and gradually drained, let’s not forget that creepy misogyny comes in many different flavors. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEAST THINGS!

”The lady that he’s married to now, Ms. Kayla, is a younger woman. He did that because there is something about a purity of a young woman, there is something that is good, that's true, that's straight and he looked for that.” -Roy Moore’s greatest defender, pastor Flip Benham.

Unfortunately, Benham’s compelling argument will work all too well on the astonishing number of Alabamians that still support Roy Moore on a variety of reasons, like their belief that Doug Jones will singlehandedly slaughter thousands of babies the instant he’s sworn into the Senate to also likin’ ‘em youuuuuuuuung.

But man, there’s nothing quite as creepy as the combination of general-purpose man-sleaze and the sleazy religious justification of said general man-sleaze. Roy Moore needed a pure woman, you see. And it’s tough to find a pure woman when you keep, you know. Molesting them. Very tricky. Seriously, has anyone who’s fetishized purity the way that Flip clearly does and the way Flip claims Moore does ever been anything but a super-perv? They have not. But hey, at least he’s not a liberal, right, Donny?

”But also from the standpoint of sexual assault. When the lights are on, when you have light that shines, the righteousness, if you will, on those types of acts." - Energy Secretary Rick Perry, explaining why Africa needs to burn more fossil fuels.

Once again, I am compelled to remind you that RICK PERRY’S JOB DOESN’T INVOLVE FOSSIL FUELS. Which means American taxpayers are paying the salary of a cabinet-level position, complete with benefits, to have a pretend job because he’s too stupid to do the real job and everyone in his department knows it and is desperately hoping Rick Perry never finds out so they can do what they’re supposed to do without him getting in the way.

Anyway, apparently the “light of righteousness” is neither a solar, battery-powered light or a crude, local gas light of some kind, but rather can only come from an incandescent bulb powered by the electricity from a coal-burning power plant. You know, when I thought the country was careening toward a theocracy, I admit I imagined a slightly smarter one, because apparently, I’m an optimist.

“I was standing at the back of the auditorium and I saw her at the front and I remember her name, it was Kayla Kisor, K.K, It was, oh gosh, eight years later or something, I met her and when she told me her name I remembered K.K.” - Roy Moore, describing how he met his wife.

According to details from his book the dance recital where he first took notice of the woman who would unfortunately become his wife was at a dance recital where she was 15 or 16 and he was around 30. This would have been around 1977, and apparently, in Alabama in the late 70s, bachelors attending teen dance recitals solo was an acceptable form of entertainment. You know, when you’re looking for “purity”.

but my favorite part of this is while Moore may have dated, kissed, fondled, and harassed so many Alabama teenagers that he was banned from a mall and police were employed to keep him from harassing cheerleaders, when he settled down, he settled down with a woman whose appeal extended beyond her mere youth. A woman who connected with Roy Moore on an almost subconscious level, because what did he notice about her? That her initials were nothing but “K”. And I bet that held a special place in Roy Moore’s heart.