Archive - Jan 2018

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January 9th

Why Are You Still Here?

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Memo to Chris Christie, James Damore, and Joe Arpaio: GO AWAY.

Before we get into our People Who Should Just Go The Fuck Away But Won’t edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, a quick correction from last week. It turns out the Jewish lawyer identified as Roy Moore’s Jewish lawyer was not in fact the Jewish lawyer Mrs. Moore was referring to. The actual Jewish Lawyer converted to Christianity 30 years ago and identifies as a Messianic Jew, which is even funnier than him being a Doug Jones supporter. On with the show.

”It’s incredibly frustrating to think to yourself, ‘Wow, if this guy were not in the race, we’d win this thing.’ And I absolutely believe if Trump had not gotten into the race, I think we would have won,” - The imminently unemployed Chris Christie.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. No, you fucking wouldn’t. Cough cough Bridgegate cough cough. Without Trump, you MIGHT have come in fourth behind Jeb, Rubio, and Kasich. You wouldn’t have been the disruption Trump was, because for good and ill, you’re no Donald Trump.

You take Trump out of the equation, and the racists go to Graham and Perry, the religious nutjobs go to Santorum and Huckabee, and the rest of the teabaggers split between Cruz and Paul. Who the fuck is Chris Christie’s constituency? There aren’t enough beach-flaunting vindictive assholes to swing one state primary. GO AWAY.

“Damore, Gudeman, and other class members were ostracized, belittled, and punished for their heterodox political views, and for the added sin of their birth circumstances of being Caucasians and/or males." - from James Damore’s lawsuit against Google demanding that everyone remember who James Damore was.

I’ll remind you who Damore is since he wants it so badly - he’s the limpdick codeweasel who got fired from Google for spreading misogynist bullshit internally. Damore found a lawyer who could explain to him what “heterodox” means. Damore could have Googled it, but, you know. That’d be awkward.

He and a fellow former Google employee are hoping to turn their suit into a class action suit representing all beleagured, put-upon, struggling, oppressed white men. On a related note, I’m hoping to dance the lead in the Nutcracker in a Christmas In July performance on ESPN. As long as we’re talking about plausible dreams and cracked nuts. GO AWAY.

“I'm going to have to work hard; you don't take anything for granted. But I would not being doing this if I thought that I could not win. I'm not here to get my name in the paper, I get that every day, anyway." - Joe Arpaio, explaining why and how he’s going to run for Senate.

I never thought I’d say this, but Kid Rock, please move to Arizona and resurrect your political hopes. Seriously, we need to fucking do something about the incredible resilience of these assholes who refuse to accept either reality or society’s judgment on them. Roy Moore ran for Senate and almost won despite being publicly discredited half a dozen times, and now Arpaio is following suit.

And as for your name in the paper, cracker, please. your name hasn’t been in the paper once in the four months since everyone stopped arguing over whether or not Donald Trump’s racist ass should have pardoned your racist ass after you got convicted for being a racist ass. Anyone with a shred of decency would have counted his lucky stars, crawled into a hole, and never been seen or heard from again, but anyone with a shred of decency wouldn’t have been in your situation to begin with. GO AWAY.