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February 13th

Of Course Forehead Sperm Is In Here

« February 2018 »

Memo to Sean Hannity, John Moody, and Jeff Sessions: STILL RACIST

While the past week has certainly been a banner one for abusing women and general incompetence, nearly lost in that morass of suck is that it was also yet another banner week for American racism, which really could use a stock-market style correction. I mean, just like the stock market, racism has been on a pretty steady climb since Obama sorta fixed the economy. Anyway, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“Obama's portrait—a stark contrast to predecessors with inappropriate sexual innuendo.” - Sean Hannity, tweeting to promote an article on his radio show website that he quickly had to take down.

The extent to which the deep wingnutosphere continues to obsess over Barack Obama is a sign of just how deep their resentment at the very idea of a black president goes. But it’s also a sign of how bad Fake Obama has to be to stay ahead of Orange Julius Caesar in the Awful Olympics. In this case, Obama is so bad that he hired a perverted artist to paint his new portrait and the artist put a SPERM ON HIS FOREHEAD. In case you were wondering, it’s not a sperm, it’s just a vein, But they think it’s a sperm, which means... something? Even as symbolism, it wouldn’t make any sense, but making sense is not their strong suit.

The most troubling thing about it is not that someone seriously thinks that Obama’s official portrait includes a secret sperm on his forehead, because what is this, 2015 or some shit? No, the most troubling thing is that the people who thought there was a secret sperm in the painting were white supremacists on 4chan, and within hours, Sean Fucking Hannity was tweeting about it. That’s the kind of Nazi-adjacent you normally only get working in the White House these days.

“Unless it’s changed overnight, the motto of the Olympics, since 1894, has been ‘Faster, Higher, Stronger.’ It appears the U.S. Olympic Committee would like to change that to ‘Darker, Gayer, Different.’ If your goal is to win medals, that won’t work. - Fox News’ executive vice president John Moody, proving me wrong about how Nazi-adjacent Sean Hannity is.

What made Moody, well, moody is that Team USA was promoting its most diverse roster yet, a whole 22 athletes who are black, gay, or Asian out of 247 total athletes. You see, if you point out how many nonstraight nonwhites made your team going through the usual rigorous trials, you somehow won’t care about winning. And in Moody’s defense, I think the entire history of the Olympics shows that most of the countries involved care so little about winning as it is that the tiniest focus on the tiniest amount of diversity could surely push them over the edge into complete apathy..

This is, of course, the usual affirmative-action slander that passed for modern racism in politics pretty much up until 2008, when Obama’s election allowed the more virulent, open form of racism to emerge and yell FOREHEAD SPERM in Sean Hannity’s voice while waving a Confederate flag and a Klan hood that somehow also has a MAGA hat on top of it. It’d almost be quaint and nostalgic if, you know, these fuckers didn’t still control nearly every aspect of our society and policy.

”The office of sheriff is a critical part of the Anglo-American heritage of law enforcement. We must never erode this historic office.” - Jeff Sessions, resurrecting the lost art of the dogwhistle in the age of Trump.

The reason this is an old-fashioned dogwhistle is that one could, if one were a disingenuous asshole racist, point out that the US legal system is based on the British legal system, and that many people, including Barack Obama, have referred to that specific link as “Anglo-American”. This argument would, intentionally of course, ignore important facts.

The first is that Jeff Sessions didn’t have to say “Anglo” there. Not only didn’t he have to say it, he wasn’t supposed to. The term was missing from his prepared remarks, presumably because Session’ speechwriter was trying to avoid racially loaded language as part of his career choice to deny reality. The second is that Sessions dropped “heritage” in there, and the third is that Sessions broadened the “Anglo-American” connection from the structure of our legal system to the very idea of law enforcement. Oh, and also, Jeff Sessions is a racist and everyone knows it and the only people who say he isn’t are other racists.