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March 22nd

Stop Proving Doomsday Preppers Right

« March 2018 »

Memo to Cambridge Analytica, John Bolton, and Trump’s legal strategy: YOU ARE FATALLY DANGEROUS.

One of the curses of the times we live in is that if you come down with a mild winter cold (and fuck your fucking vernal equinox - there’s still two feet of snow in my backyard so it’s still winter) is that in the three days or so it takes you out of commission, everything can fucking change again. Things may be too spastic for SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

On the upside, I’ve had a few days to collate and digest all the news about Cambridge Analytica and Facebook, and here’s my best attempt to explain it to you.

As best as I can figure it, a bunch of British sociopaths figured out a way to use “harmless” Facebook quizzes to determine which people would be stupid enough to fall for insane, right-wing, racist propaganda. Thanks to the amoral data capitalists at Facebook, they were able to extend the reach of the quizzes beyond the few hundred thousand people that took them to millions.

Here’s where it gets a bit more speculative. Armed with a giant pile of Facebook experts psychographically identified as your dumbfuck uncle at Thanksgiving, Cambridge Analytica partner Steve Bannon may have gone hunting for a patsy rube he could get elected using the technology. We all know who that dumb patsy would be in this scenario. We also know a certain foreign country that spent much of the 2016 election spraying racist, nationalist propaganda all over Facebook. How could they have possibly known who to target with that propaganda? I can think of one possibility that doesn’t live on the hairy side of Ockham’s Razor. The whole thing is deeply bugfuck.

And it may not even matter, because Orange Julius Caesar just axed yet another one of the medium-grade assholes who populated the first year of his administration to replace him with the most gaping prolapsed anus yet. General McMaster is out as National Security Advisor, and in his place is Warmonger The Walrus. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, John Bolton, a man so insane Republicans wouldn’t confirm him to the most harmless post in Dubya’s cabinet. Twice.

Bolton combines the worst of the “practical” sociopathy of Cheney-style neoconservatism with the also the worst of the anti-intellectual Fox News ideologue. If Trump wants to start a war to boost his popularity before the midterms, Bolton will start three, just because starting wars gives every single hair in his stupid fucking mustache a tiny boner. This is, I say without hyperbole, the single most dangerous move Trump’s made since he was elected. Bolton promised Trump that if he was picked for the spot, he wouldn’t start any wars. WHO NEEDS TO DO THAT? Also, Bolton doesn’t need to start any wars. He just has to goad Trump into doing it. And Trump’s the most goadable motherfucker to ever hold elected office.

But if we’re lucky, that may not matter, because Trump’s the most goadable motherfucker to ever hold elected office, and the morning before he fired McMaster, he fired/drove away another guy who could keep him from doing something stupid. But this something stupid is special and unique, because the only person it could hurt would be Trump himself.


John Dowd, Trump’s lead Russia lawyer, got one thing right. That thing being, if Mueller ever got to ask Trump questions one on one, in person, Trump was fucked. Because Trump is Trump and has no fucking idea most of the time that he’s lying. And when he does know he’s lying, he thinks it’s just a thing people do all the time, like breathing or wheezing on top of porn stars who spank him with a Forbes. Trump thinks he could take Mueller in an interview like he could take Biden in a fight. Well, Dowd’s gone - the latest in an endless series of people slightly better than Trump getting shafted by Trump. As with Bolton, Trump will replace him with a crazy person who lets him do whatever he wants, which in this case could be a great, great thing. Something to keep your hopes up while you research the wind and jet stream patterns between Iran, North Korea, and wherever you happen to live.