Archive - Jul 18, 2018

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Russian To Judgment

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Memo to Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Donald Trump: IN SOVIET AMERICA, DUMB ARE YOU!

Republican responses to their president’s Russian Rimjob at his performance review in Helsinki this week has, in general, ranged from If I Tweet That This Was Unacceptable, I Get To Cut My Taxes A Couple More Times to If I Tweet That This Was Unfortunate, I Get To Make Twelve-Year-Old Rape Victims Have The Rape Baby. But a few brave souls decided to go all in on Donald Trump’s particularly stupid brand of Treason and Treason Do-Overs, and, of course, Trump himself is all on board. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“We all do it. What we need to do is make sure our electoral process is protected. They’re not going to admit it in the same way we’re not going to admit we were involved in the Ukrainian elections or the Russian elections.” - Rand Paul, really embracing that Libertarian ideal.

It’s funny, because, well, he’s right in that we have meddled in other countries’ elections before. Lots of times. And now, Iran and Central America are full of thriving right-wing democracies and not threatening us constantly or hurling refugees at us because they’re somehow even worse than Trump’s detention policies. So, you know, maybe be a bit less blase when another government installs their puppet in OUR top spot, OK?

Also, maybe you don’t get to talk about protecting our elections when you can’t even protect your ribs from your neighbor, asshole. I know all these fuckers are hypocrites with no standards whatsoever, but I still had to sit through eight years of “Apology Tour” bullshit from these people only to have them applaud Trump for giving Putin and Kim literally everything they could possibly ask for for no apparent reason whatsoever (pee tape).

"I'm just glad he clarified it. I can't read his intentions or what he meant to say at the time." - Marco Rubio, oozing relief at having any excuse, no matter how flimsy, so he wouldn’t have to pretend to take a stand.

We all know by now that Trump’s “clarification” was to claim he got one word wrong. Now, normally, for Trump, that’d be a brag, because in any given sentence he gets 80% of the words wrong. But in this case, it’s patently unbelievable unless you’re a pathetic sycophant like Rubio and the rest of the GOP who know the insane death cult they’ve created will turn on them if they dare criticize Trump for anything.

I mean, Trump not only snuck in a clause about how it might have not been the Russians who hacked us DURING HIS CLARIFICATION, he also crossed out a sentence in his prepared notes about making sure the people responsible faced justice, because we only enforce the laws for black people selling loose cigarettes. Literally every single bit of context to both of Trump’s appearances tells you exactly where he kneels on Russia, and every single one of these fuckers know it. But they’re desperately hoping to make it to the midterms, keep their jobs, and hope enough of their colleagues lose their jobs that it’ll be up to Democrats to clean up their mess. As usual.

"So many people at the higher ends of intelligence loved my press conference performance in Helsinki. Putin and I discussed many important subjects at our earlier meeting. We got along well which truly bothered many haters who wanted to see a boxing match. Big results will come! “ - Still Somehow The Fucking President.

When the history of the Trump administration is written by the descendants of those who survive it, the second most important question they won’t be able to answer is how anyone could be so stupid as to think the most simplistic, Emperor’s New Clothes-level bullshit would work. I mean, Trump literally said that everyone who says he did great is a genius and everyone else is an idiot, and w’re suppose to sit here and say that’s a ploy a grown adult man in charge of things thinks is a good idea?

The most important question they won’t be able to answer, of course, is how millions of people fell for it. Although they may be able to test environmental lead levels in our bones and come up with a working theory.