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July 9th

Try Remaking Yourselves

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Memo to the Last Jedi “remakers”: HA HA HA HA HA YOU FUCKING NERDS.

As I write this, Donald Trump has yet to announce his Supreme Court pick, and you know what? He’s a garbage person picking from a Federalist Society list so whoever he picks is going to be another garbage person. So I don’t care. I mean, I care in that whoever he picks, as a result of coordinated court-packing schemes, from the fucking over of Merrick Garland to the golf-buddies agreement that led to Kennedy’s retirement, is definitely going to help ruin the lives of millions of people, but which specific person that is is mostly irrelevant. And thinking about it, worrying about it, or paying attention to it just feeds Trump’s ego. He doesn’t get an ideological boner from court picks. That’s his herd. He just loves the attention.

Instead, let’s talk about the people who think everything else is going so well, both in the world and in their individual lives, that they think the best way to spend their time is virulently hating Star Wars Episode 8, the people who made it, and the people who starred in it, and are waging a futile, quixotic campaign to remake the movie, presumably without all the melanin and estrogen in it.

Now, many of them will say that racism and miogyny aren’t motivating them. They dodge around it artfully on their primary “pledge money to us” website, though it’s tough to be sure because they apparently want to remake a major Hollywood blockbuster when they don’t have the ability to make a website that displays correctly on my iPad. But unless all the racism and misogyny are in the parts of the text that hang tantalizingly and unretrievably off the edge of my screen, they’re keeping that shit away from where they’re asking for money. Barely.

But scratch the surface with a tenth the effort these basement troglodytes use to scratch their balls and it’s readily apparent where they stand. Shortly after the remake site made news, a formal “declaration of rebellion” popped up on Twitter, complete with exactly the kind of “rebel” logo you’d expect someone like this to create, which stated, in no certain terms, that the new movies are pursuing a “misguided political agenda”, that agenda being one of “masculine inferiority”, pledging to oppose Disney’s “sociopolitical ideals”, and also somehow claiming that it’s mean to call these people racist, sexist, or alt-right.

They’ve also gone into full, horrific, fan-rage echo chamber mode, taking as articles of fact that The Last Jedi was a failure, that it was a failure to such a degree that it ruined the box office of the Han Solo movie, and that all of this is the fault of Social Justice Warriors ruining everything, even though the Jedi are quite literally social justice warriors.

I mean, for fuck’s sake. The Last Jedi isn’t a perfect movie. But there are only two reasons this breed of nerds makes the jump from “dislike” to “frenzy-whipped” over anything. One, you took their toys away, and two, you let a girl play with their toys.

.

Their toys got taken away when the characters they’ve spent decades investing their personal identity with got used in ways they disagreed with. How could Luke Skywalker be disillusioned about anything? He wasn’t disillusioned about anything 30 years ago! I haven’t changed in three decades, so Luke can’t either!

And yeah, Last Jedi subverted the trope of a hotheaded testosterone junkie doing whatever the fuck he thinks is right and it working out for him because he’s ostensibly the protagonist. And if that trope resonates deeply with you as a similar beneficiary of unexamined privilege your entire life, I can see where this portrayal would evoke a deep, heart-wrenching tantrum from your undernourished soul. Tough shit.

Also, the protagonist is still a girl and the movie features four women in major speaking roles, which is three and a half more than “A New Hope” had. I can see where that might be seen as heresy.

All that said, I of course fully support the effort to remake The Last Jedi, and I think anyone offended by the movie’s political leanings should spend all their time and most of their money on the effort, because that’s time you won’t spend marching with tiki torches and money you won’t spend on roofies. Time you won’t spend on half-assed negging attempts at the Applebee’s bar, and money you won’t spend donating to Trump 2020. I support anything that keeps you off the streets and results in a total of two produced movies: Episode 8: Jack, and Episode 9: Shit. Get cracking.