Archive - 2018

September 18th

No, This Couldn’t Wait Until Friday

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Memo to Stormy Daniels: I HEAR THE CALL.

Even in these dark times, with a guy who definitely hates women being rushed onto the Supreme Court even though he might have assaulted one, there are things that can bring me out of my Trump-induced torpor. Things that remind me of how things used to be, those halcyon days when dumbfuck politics was kinda funny.

ACTUAL QUOTE TIME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

”He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool … I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart … It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.” - Stormy Daniels, in her new book, aptly titled “Full Disclosure”.

Of course, this isn’t the first time in history a woman has described, allegedly, the penis of the president. Paula Jones infamously described Clinton’s penis as blotchy, a la Michael Jackson’s vitiligo. And Mary Todd Lincoln was responsible for coining the phrase “The Illinois Railsplitter”.

But it is, I guranfuckingtee you, the first time the phrase “Yeti pubes” has appeared in a national news story. And left people wondering what it means. It’s a shame, as understandable as it may be, that Stormy Daniels’ pop culture game is not entirely on point, as evidenced by her thinking of Toad as “that mushroom guy from Mario Kart” and not the star of Captain Toad’s Treasure Tracker. Because if she’d called them Wampa pubes, we’d all know exactly what she meant.

But more importantly, a lifetime of “knowing he has an unusual penis”, or, as I’ll more accurately put it, WEIRD DICK TRAUMA, explains damn near everything. Except the racism. I assume he learned that from his incredibly racist dad. Oh, and the limited vocabulary. I assume that’s because he’s very stupd and not getting any smarter as he gets older.

But everything else? Every time he tweets, we all now know, deep in our hearts, that the motivation for the tweet is a voice in his head, saying over and over, “Donnie’s got a weird dick, Donnie’s got a weird dick...”It’ll be cold comfort if/when he kills us all, but cold comfort is better than no comfort.

As for the allegation that Donald Trump is way worse at sex than he thinks he is, that barely even needs addressing. Sex is a thing. Donald Trump is worse at everything than he thinks he is. QED, Yeti Pubes.

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