Archive - 2018

August 16th

In Case You Missed Them

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Memo to Laura Ingraham and Melissa Howard: YOU’RE NOT GETTING AWAY THAT EASY.

I know that, like me, the rest of you have also spent this week wondering how awful a person has to be so that we don’t take their side against Donald Trump. Still hasn’t happened! But while we watch Omarosa, of all people, get one over on him, let’s take a look at a couple of other asshats hiding amidst the chaos. IDIOTS TRY TO GET OUT OF SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“A message to those distorting my views, including all white nationalists and one racist freak whose name I won’t mention. You do not have my support. You don’t represent my views and you are antithetical to the place I hold dear. The purpose of last night’s angle was to point out the rule of law, secure borders, is something that used to bind our country together.” - Laura Ingraham, taking a hard line against people she agrees with because they’re unpopular right now..

The name she won’t mention is David Duke, who did backflips (sort of) with an erection (even more sort of) after Ingraham devoted an entire monologue on Fox News to how “demographic changes” were ruining America for people who “never voted for them”. We all fucking know what that means.

Now, David Duke is a reprehensible piece of shit. But there’s no denying the man literally makes a living off barely-coded racism. We all know that if it weren’t for that one “Grand Wizard” line on his resume, he’d have an hour on Fox right after Tucker Carlson. He knows the language of modern white supremacy because, well, he helped fucking write it.

Funnily enough, what Ingraham didn’t say, in her vociferous, disingenuous denial of her own racism, was what “changing demographics” she meant if she didn’t mean racial demographics. She didn’t seem mad about the increasing number of Baby Boomers. Gender demographics haven’t changed much. You don’t have to change the growing rich-poor gap “demographics’ to hide what you’re talking about, plus Fox loves income inequality anyway. “Demographics” has been code for “not enough white people” for most of the time I’ve been writing this column, and not only is there no fucking way Ingraham doesn’t know that, her not knowing that would be an incredible dereliction of duty even by Fox News standards.

"It was not my intent to deceive or mislead anyone. I made a mistake in saying that I completed my degree.” - The now former Florida state candidate Melissa Howard.

In much the same way that Ingraham’s non-apology for being totally misconstrued as a racist just because she said a bunch of stuff only racists say, Melissa Howard’s apology rang a little false to me, mainly because the reason she got caught lying about her college education is that she did an astonishingly bad job at making the fake diploma that she showed in her campaign ad.

I mean, let’s face it. You don’t get much more “intent to deceive or mislead” than photoshopping a fake diploma. Being so bad at deceiving and misleading that you give yourself a diploma in a major the school didn’t offer, signed by an administrator from the wrong part of the college, doesn’t mean you didn’t intend to. Plus, you live in Florida and went to “Miami University” in Ohio, so the fishiness started long before you dropped out of that school.

Howard has since dropped out of the race, leaving Republicans without a viable option to replace her on the ballot at this late stage. She’s like a bullshit public access version of Chris Collins, another Republican whose denials nobody fucking believes and who did something incredibly stupid. I’m sensing a trend.