Archive - Feb 1, 2021

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Back On Their Bullshit

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Memo to Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Kevin McCarthy, and the Latest Gang Of Ten: YOU ARE BACK ON YOUR BULLSHIT.

Did this used to get done on Wednesdays? Sure it did. Is this Wednesday? Fuck no, it isn’t. New era, new rules. But also, new era, same old stupid rules that let IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“By rejoining the Paris Climate Agreement, President Biden indicates he’s more interested in the views of the citizens of Paris than in the jobs of the citizens of Pittsburgh. This agreement will do little to affect the climate and will harm the livelihoods of Americans.” - Ted Cruz, who we’re all supposed to forget tried to overturn the 2020 election in favor of Donald Trump right after an angry mob tried to overturn the election in favor of Donald Trump.

After four-plus years of slavishly following a billionaire despot whose idea of humility was shitting in a golden toilet and whose signature Oval Office prop was a button he could press to have a servant bring him a Diet Coke, it’s time for Republicans to paint Democrats as out-of-touch elitists because they don’t want humanity to simultaneously drown, freeze, and die of starvation.

Cruz got predictably and correctly roasted for implying the Paris Climate Accord was somehow about Paris, but again, we’ve just lived through the goddamned Trump years. Years that should cause a fundamental shift in how the two parties are viewed and stereotyped. And what Cruz is doing here is trying to return to the pre-Trump status quo when Republicans being the party of violent white supremacy was the subtext and not the text in fifty-foot letters of fire.

“If you read his speech and listen to it carefully, much of it is thinly-veiled innuendo calling us white supremacists, calling us racist, calling us every name in the book. Calling us people who don’t tell the truth.” - Rand Paul, in a rare instance of telling the truth.

He’s not wrong. Joe Biden’s speech did mention white supremacists, racists, and liars. I’m not sure if it included “every name in the book”, because with the exception of that, like year-and-three-quarters, I’ve been shitting on Republicans in this space since 2014 and even I haven’t exhausted the full list of names in the book, but we’ll give Rand the benefit of the doubt on that.

We should give Rand the benefit of the doubt on a lot of things, because he’s clearly not sleeping well due to the incessant loud beating of the heart he’s got buried beneath his floorboards. It must suck for him and his colleagues that their four-plus years of full-throated incessant support for an administration devoted almost exclusively to racism, white supremacy, and constant lying means that every time anyone hears the phrases “racism”, “white supremacy”, or “lying”, they’re going to think of Donald Trump and his entire party of allies. And I hope it continues to suck for them for the foreseeable future.

”President Biden told us he would have a plan to defeat the virus on day 1. He just never told us that it would be to give the vaccine to terrorists before most Americans.” - Kevin McCarthy, back on this bullshit.

McCarthy is referring to the fact that Gitmo prisoners would be receiving the COVID vaccine. For a moment, let’s forget that we have a duty to provide medical care for our prisoners, that Gitmo is an extrajudicial Kafkaesque hellhole that should have never existed in the first place, and that these prisoners have been there so long calling them “terrorists” is like calling me “a Babylon 5 fan”. Technically true, but nowhere nearly as defining as it was in the early 2000s.

Let’s forget all that because the number of people not getting vaccines because Gitmo detainees go them first is... FORTY. Forty fucking vaccine doses. Whereas the number of people not getting vaccines because of the criminal incompetence of the Trump administration during its last three months in office is literally uncountable because one of the ways they were criminally incompetent was not to count anything.

I’m not saying there are, say, 50,000 COVID vaccines that have already gone bad in a Mar-A-Lago freezer because neither Don Jr. nor Eric understand Celsius or negative numbers, mind you. I’m just saying there’s absolutely no way to know that there aren’t. Luckily, Republican’s stupid objections to this even-symbolically-meaningless move caused the Biden administration to reverse its decision, showing that the Republicans aren’t the only ones back on their bullshit.

“In the spirit of bipartisanship and unity, we have developed a Covid-19 relief framework that builds on prior Covid assistance laws, all of which passed with bipartisan support.” - Ten Republican senators, mostly the supposedly “reasonable” ones, back on their bullshit.

You probably remember this, since it just happened over the course of the last 10 months and you have neither the brain of an underachieving marmot nor Memento disease, that the prior “relief framework” was Republicans getting away with as little actual relief as possible while lining their own pockets as much as possible, and only doing so when they literally couldn’t get away with delaying it any longer. It was “bipartisan” in the sense that Democrats had no choice but to vote for it because Republicans held two of the three branches of government and therefore got what they wanted.

And while I certainly understand the Republican belief that “bipartisanship” means “Democrats give Republicans what they want” since that belief has been the mainstream media’s definition of “centrist compromise” since the Reagan years, what the “prior COVID assistance laws” really tell us is that Republicans now get to either vote for what Democrats want, or be forced to explain why they voted against helping people at all. The only sensible response to a $600 billion counteroffer to a $1.9 trillion relief bill is raucous laughter, stating the truth that Republicans cannot be taken seriously on this kind of thing, and then doing what needs to be done without their support and shoving their faces in it when it does in fact help. Let’s unify behind that for a change.