Archive - Mar 17, 2021

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You Can Sometimes Get What You “Want”

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Memo to Snyder Cut devotees: IT’S HERE. CHOKE ON IT.

Yes, today is the day you’ve been waiting for. The release of the four-hour, R-Rated, entirely new movie made over the past two years that’s disingenuously being called the “Snyder Cut” of Justice League.

In case you don’t remember, shortly after Justice League came out, the usual gang of idiots started insisting that there was a mythical, better cut of the movie that contained Zack Snyder’s original vision for the movie.

By “usual gang of idiots” I mean “people who get mad when they put girls in my blockbusters unless the girls are in a secondary role and I can jack off to them”. And they were convinced that when Warner Bros. handed Justice League off to that beta cuck SJW Joss Whedon when Snyder couldn’t complete the movie due to a family tragedy that it was all a plot to keep the true Justice League away from them.

So they started demanding a release of the Snyder Cut. Which didn’t exist. But entertainment is about nothing if it’s not about exploiting the gullible, so Warner Bros gave Zack Snyder like $150 million to add two-and-a-half hours to about 90 of the movie’s original minutes, using a mix of deleted scenes and entirely new footage, thereby bringing into existence a thing that shitty people wanted, at a length and quality level that they will, quite frankly, have to choke down and then pretend they liked in public in order to save face.

The grand irony of all this, of course, is if they’d just been patient, in less time than it took to manufacture their beloved Snyder Cut, they could have learned that Joss Whedon wasn’t a beta cuck SJW after all, but a garbage person JUST LIKE THEM, and they could have retroactively embraced the theatrical Justice League and saved themselves two hours of running time. But they didn’t, and here we are, trying to convince ourselves that no, really, Steppenwolf is an awesome final boss all over again.

I mean, sure, there are probably some people out there who genuinely enjoy the grey-brown palette, gratuitous slo-mo, and “I have a small vinyl collection of obvious white artists” needledrops of a Zack Snyder superhero movie, and I’m sure they’re as metaphorically happy as a metaphorical pig in colloquial shit today. And hey, more power to them. Enjoyment is a rare thing these days and if you can extract some from this, don’t let me stop you.

But if you thought this was a crusade worth crusading over, and that you won something, somehow, you’re as sorely mistaken as someone who thinks two people can’t fight each other if their moms have the same first name.