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April 11th, 2018

Another Week, Another Series of Calamities

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Memo to Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, and Tucker Carlson: YOU ARE DUMB.

There have been three major news stories this week - Facebook, the raid on Michael Cohen’s office and subsequent fallout, and Syria. I only have IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS quotes for two of them, because Trump’s tweets about Syria are so fucking stupid all you can do is stare at them in abject horror. But that’s OK. There’s plenty of dumb in the other two to go around!

The bottom line is I’m not worried about Trump firing Mueller, because I think he’s smarter than that.” - Lindsey Graham, doing the very thing that proves he doesn’t think Trump is smarter than that.

Of course they think he’s stupid enough to fire Mueller. They also know that if he fires Mueller and they don’t do something about it, they’re fucked, and if they do do something about it, Trump’s crazy third will turn on them and they’ll never win another election for the rest of their lives. Why do you think Paul Ryan joined the parade of cowards out the retirement door? I’ll give you a hint, he’s lying to himself about it being to spend more time with his family.

That’s why Graham and his other allies are spending as much time on various cable news shows, especially Fox, telling him not to fire Mueller and how smart he’d be not to fire Mueller and how innocent he is so he doesn’t have to fire Mueller and so on and so forth. Of course, other Trumpists with no skin in the game like your Lou Dobbses are saying the opposite, so it’s a bit of a holding action, but hey, that’s what life’s like when you hitch your wagon to an insane toddler who’s very bad at hiding his crimes.

”Facebook has initially shut down the Chick-fil-A appreciation day page, has blocked a post of a Fox News reporter, has blocked over two dozen Catholic pages and most recently blocked Trump supporters Diamond and Silk’s page, with 1.2 million Facebook followers, after determining their content and brand were, quote, ‘unsafe to the community.’ To a great many Americans that appears to be a pervasive pattern of political bias.” - Ted Cruz, as always, focusing on what matters.

This is another example of one of the more consistent annoyances of the Trump era - bad people being victimized by the bullshit politics of even worse people. In case you were wondering, and you weren’t wondering because this shit is so blatant and obvious, “Chik Fil A Appreciation Day” had nothing to do with the quality of the food. It was just some homophobic shitheel. Facebook evil, but unlike Ted Cruz, their evil comes in the form of something people find useful.

Also, now I know who Diamond and Silk are, and I blame Ted Cruz for that, and soon you will too. They’re two black women on the Internet, so I understand your momentary confusion about why Ted Cruz would care about them. But they are also rabid Trump supporters, which is slightly more believable than them being able to act like two rabid Trump supporters with a straight face for a couple of years. I don’t know why Facebook is messing with them, but they’re Trump supporters who’ve made a bunch of different videos, so odds are good they’ve crossed a couple of Terms of Service lines at one point or another.

“Are pandas, in fact, sex-crazed killing machines? A new study says they are, despite appearances.” - Tucker Carlson, on Fox News.

There are things I want to see collected for historical appreciation assuming we all survive the Trump presidency and recover from its deleterious effects. For example, a coffee table book of Donald Trump’s worst suits. A word cloud covering the entire administration’s worth of tweets. And a video compilation of every insane bullshit story Fox News had ready to run when all the other networks were breaking a very bad story about Trump that they hadn’t decided how to spin yet.

Being in a position to keep an eye on cable news when I have the stomach for it, I’ve seen this myself, because nothing’s more fun than watching Fox have to report bad Trump news as fact. Which is why they frequently don’t do it, and instead pull up one of what must be dozens of canned features they have prepared for this very occasion. But the feature on horny killer pandas, as introduced by Tucker Carlson, may be the best one yet. So if we live to a point where someone can make that video compilation, probably put it last.