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Final Closeout

« December 2010 »

Memo to a bunch of stuff I'm too lazy to list: YOU ARE DUMB.

This is it. The end of 2010. Another shitty fucking year, when it comes right down to it. Let's put this lame-ass dog of a year down, Old Yeller style. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FINALE!

Newt Fucking Gingrich! It's almost 2011 and I still have to deal with Newt Fucking Gingrich. Do you have any idea how irritating that is? Back at the start of December, he unveiled a new "12 step program" to achieve total "replacement of the left".

If he means replacement of the left with the right, then Newt Gingrich doesn't understand how ANY spectrum works, instead of just the visible one, like I'd originally thought. If he means replacement of the left, pod-people style? Then he's about two decades too fucking late. The pods are all entrenched and writing for the Washington Post. And now I'm going to have to endure a year of Will Newt Run speculation, which ought to give me that long-delayed aneurysm I've been expecting.

Oh, fuck, and then there was that time the Smithsonian caved in like 30 seconds to right-wing protests over a video of ants crawling on a Jesus action figure or some damn thing. Do me a favor, art museums. Either send back the controversial (meaning, apparently, any nontraditional use of Jesus - which pisses off the exact same people who call Muslims barbarians for objecting to Mohammed cartoons, by the way) art before it hits the floor, or tell anyone who objects that they can go fuck themselves.

Any time you pull art in response to demands, you just give the Jesus-freaks cross-shaped boners and ensure that you'll be getting demands next time, too.

Oh, and by the way, while Democrats wrangle over how to end filibuster abuse without falling victim to Republican cries of "power grab" and still seem like nice guys, the Republicans in the House are changing every rule they can to make their lives easier and let them run roughshod over the process for the next two years. PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER.

Dick Cheney and Halliburton got charged with bribery in Nigeria, but the charges were suddenly dropped after a secret settlement slash plea-bargain agreement was reached. I'm pretty sure at this point that Dick Cheney is the product of a secret super-soldier program that only succeeded in making him immune to even the most obvious irony.

Tim Pawlenty accused government-employee unions of staging a "silent coup". Awesome. I can't be pandered to, but at least I can be demonized. Finally, some attention from those in power! As a straight white natural-born citizen, all I could manage until now was the occasional derision towards atheists. But now I'm part of a silent coup!

Let me tell you something. Any silent coup whose great accomplishment is at least two years without raises is not the kind of silent coup anyone needs to worry about. It'd be like fearing an invasion from Canada, or an unprecedented power grab by Democrats.

Oh, hey, here's a good place for this. I was watching MSNBC one afternoon recently, and one of their female anchors - Not Tamron Hall, but someone subbing for her on her show - was interviewing two New York City guys who've been receiving hundreds of letters to Santa addressed to their Chelsea apartment. Fair enough.

But then the woman says, and I quote: "It's an incredible story and a mystery that's out there. I think that probably it needs to be on one of those shows where people find out the real story behind the mystery of why it's your apartment." She said this while sitting behind the anchor desk of the third-largest 24-hour cable news channel in America. Guess Santa didn't bring any fucking self-awareness on his sleigh this year, either.

And finally, one last lede paragraph that will let you start the new year knowing we're well and truly fucked. LAST ACTUAL QUOTE TIME OF 2010!

"The four Republicans appointed to the commission investigating the root causes of the financial crisis plan to bypass the bipartisan panel and release their own report Wednesday, according to people familiar with the commission's work."

Guess what their report was? That it was Fannie and Freddie's fault for lending to poor black people. Which has been the Republican scapegoat the whole time to keep people from blaming Dubya and bank deregulation. It's an accusation that of course wouldn't fly as the report of a serious, bipartisan investigative panel, so they're just saying "fuck it" and releasing their own report to muddy the waters and turn it into a "we said, they said" argument that allows everyone to believe what they believed before the investigation started.

And that's how we're running America heading into 2011! Happy New Year and good fucking luck.