Archive - 2021 - daily

July 19th

Freedom Costs A Buck-Oh-Five

« July 2021  
SuMoTuWeThFrSa
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31

One of the longstanding ethical dilemmas You Are Dumb Dot Net has struggled with over the decades is the eternal question, “Who’s to blame when stupid people are taken advantage of?”

I mean, obviously, it’s wrong to take advantage of stupid people. It’s wrong to take advantage of anyone just because they are, in some way, in this case mentally, weaker than you are.

But sometimes, stupidity is a choice. Or the direct consequence of a series of choices. And some types of stupidity are vile and dangerous. And since none of us have an infinite supply of sympathy just lying around to draw on, when THOSE people get taken advantage of? Well, we can mock the victims without condoning the perpetrators.

Which brings us to the Freedom Phone, a topic for this column so pure, so unsullied, that it’s like the last five or six years didn’t even happen. It’s pure right-wing cannibalistic grift to such an obvious degree that everyone falling for it put themselves in a position where they’d fall for it. And it is, therefore, hilarious schadenfodder.

The FIVE-HUNDRED-DOLLAR Freedom Phone is promoted as a way to free yourself from the censorship of Big Tech, who cruelly and unjustly banished Dearest Leader Trump from social media for his supposed “thought crimes”. How does it do this? It’s a multipronged approach that leverages technological solutions from a variety of free-think… I’m kidding.

There’s an American flag on the lock screen, it comes with Parler and Rumble pre-installed, and they lie about it running on Android, which, of course, is part of the Big Tech you’re supposed to be free from when you buy one of these fuckers.

Parler, of course, is the Facebook/Twitter for posting racist, anti-Semitic, false, and terroristic shit that even Facebook and Twitter won’t put up with. Rumble is like that except for YouTube. You also get apps for One America News Network so that you can hear all the same shit you hear on Parler and Rumble read by a white guy in a suit with a chyron under it to help you pretend it’s real.

On top of that, it’s a Chinese phone that retails for $120, it’s being promoted by a “bitcoin millionaire” in his 20s, and $50 of the $500 purchase price goes directly into the pocket of whatever right-wing pundit suckers you into buying it. It couldn’t be more of a scam if it was named Scam and visiting the Scam convention in a painstakingly accurate Scam costume and took a short break from the Scam convention to call you about your car’s warranty expiring.

And since the Freedom Phone’s target audience thinks “doing your own research and deciding for yourself” is the best way to determine your course of action during a global pandemic, the information on how obvious a scam it is is widely available from a variety of sources, if you ignore the uncritical news release embarrassingly reprinted by Newsweek.

So absolutely fuck every asshat who’s shilling this thing, but also, if you buy one of those things, you definitely earned being ripped off. Enjoy your freedom, fuckers.