The Thrilla In Wasilla

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Memo to the Palin Clan: HOW THE NOT SO MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.

So, I'm going to be exactly the kind of horrible, elitist liberal slob that Sarah Palin likes to pretend justifies her fake everywoman folksiness that's really just dressed-up white trash.

I mean, I'm not obsessed with class (in the "being classy" sense, not the socioeconomic sense), and I certainly don't admire the Washington D.C. cocktail party set. But the woman who might have been America's vice president is tooling around Alaska, her family getting in drunken house-party brawls, and that's fucking sad.

Violence aside, I'd like to point out right off the bat that all the reports concur on one key fact - the Palins arrived at the 40th birthday party of a snowmobile racing champion in a stretch Hummer, which really tells you everything you need to know.

The Hummer was, of course, the vehicle of choice for early-millennium douchewaffles, and the Palins are nothing if not earlyy-millennium douchewaffles. The stretch Hummer limo was vitally important to said douchewaffles when it was time to implement their best attempt at fanciness protocols. And, of course, the last time anyone took Hummers seriously was five years ago, which I think has a bit of relevance when talking about the Palin clan.

Now, who hit who, and why, and how many times, and who started it, is in dispute. And will always be in dispute, since nobody pressed charges. But by several accounts, Track Palin, who I should probably remind you is one of Palin's sons and who I should also remind you was actually named "Track" by his parents, ripped off his shirt and flipped many a shirtless bird at those who had wronged him and his family.

Track Palin is 25 years old. And a divorced father. And is going around ripping his shirt off and waving his middle finger at them when he gets angry.

The overlapping part of the Venn Diagram of the various accounts also indicate that Bristol Palin, possibly in response to an affront by her sister's ex-boyfriend, punched the owner of the house in the face up to six times. Bristol Palin is a 23 year old single mother. Just for context.

All of this goes to confirm a suspicion I've long held regarding the Palins - that the phrase "Use your words." was never, ever a part of their parenting style. Just look at how Sarah tried and failed at this basic task on Facebook following the event. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you'll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids' defense of family makes my heart soar!"

In case you were looking for the fine line between spin and being completely delusional, it appears to be between here and Alaska. Bristol Palin sure taught that guy to, um, own a house where a party was held where some ex-boyfriend did something untoward! And if that makes your heart soar, you might just be a national embarassment.

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