Straight Piece Saves

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Memo to Dare2Share: NO NO NO NO NO.

It's funny. The process for this column is usually straightforward, with little opportunity for serendipitous side-tracking. Something pisses me off, I yell about it, lather, rinse, and repeat. But sometimes, I actually have to work at this. Case in point: Roland Emmerich's "10,000 B.C.".

It's a Roland Emmerich movie, so it's going to suck, and everyone's going to know it's going to suck, but they're going to see it anyway, because film artistry needs karmic payback for all those art films that won Oscars, and the best way to deliver that payback is by throwing giant piles of money at CGI mammoths. Now, that pisses me off. But to yell about it, I really need a hook. Like an interview where Emmerich says some ridiculous shit about his ridiculous movie.

But he doesn't. So I figure maybe a movie set before God created the Earth might have creationist nutjobs afroth. That's always funny. But as far as I can tell, that's not happening either. And that's when I hit on what was clearly, at least to me, a spark of genius. From time to time, I have commented on Christian youth ministry "Dare2Share", and their jawdropping series of tips on how to spread the good word of Jesus to your teen friends by incorporating pop culture references. And subsequently getting dunked into the Sea of Galiswirlee. Surely they would take advantage of the premiere of this movie to spread the gospel?

Well, I'm apparently at least two weeks ahead of the average youth minister, surprise surprise, they haven't gotten to it yet. And why haven't they gotten to it yet? Because they're busy exploring the theological possibilities of Human Tetris.

And lo, the skies opened up, and the light shone down. "How to Share Your Faith Using the Original Human Tetris". I'm not sure why only The Original Human Tetris will do, or if it has something to do with original sin, but there you have it. Let's just jump straight into the chewy nougat center of the stupid. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!"

"If you've ever been a Tetris-type game fan, you have to admit that at least part of your attraction to this category of games is the ever-present chance to start over with a clean slate. When the "Game Over - You Lose" message flashes up on the screen, it's great to be able to choose 'Play Again' and take another shot at trying to do better... Odd as it may seem, maybe this quirky little Tetris video can serve to remind us that God is continually extending to us the offer of a new game and a clean slate. So try using Tetris as a springboard to having a conversation with your unreached friends about God."

Even for Dare2Share.com, this is a huge stretch. From a video of Human Tetris, to Tetris, to "Tetris-type games", to games in general, to getting to start over after you've fucked up, to JESUS. For fuck's sake, I'm a godless heathen, and I could write a better connection than that.

The Original Human Tetris shows that when people of all shapes and sizes come together in the right way (in worship of Jesus), they'll get whisked away to a better life in the off-screen kingdom of Heaven. And even when your life seems like a jumbled pile of intractable blocks with gaping holes in them, if you just lift your face upward, a straight piece will descend from the heavens and clear your troubles away. That straight piece died for your sins.

See? It's not that difficult, Editorial Coordinator Jane Dratz. Now give me four hundred words on why John McCain sucks and we'll call it even. Don't worry about the dick jokes, I'll drop those in. You know, like you do in TETRIS.