Better Living Via Bite-Sized Hate

« April 2008 »

Memo to all and sundry: FUCK YOU.

I am, once again, completely and utterly exhausted by April Fool's Day on the Internet. I mean seriously, Gamespot. Rock Band for PSP? If you're not going to even fucking try, don't even fucking try and save us all the trouble of having to experience you not fucking trying. The only good prank you pulled on the entire site was giving that shit-ass XBox Live Arcade game, TiQal, a 7.5 out of ten, but it turns out that wasn't a joke. You're just huge suckers for faux-Mayan color-matching crapfests.

Anyway, today, in an attempt to re-rail a brain thrown completely off the tracks by the Internet's annual comedy suck-fest, I'm going to just throw out micro-memos to people who've been pissing me off in tiny, tiny ways of late. Throwing much of the onus onto you, the reader, to look up the details if you're not familiar already.

To Pat Buchanan: Um, when Obama said he wanted to have an open and frank discussion about race? Yeah. He didn't mean with you, asshole.

To Lou Dobbs: It may be spelled "ethnocentric special interests" on your Teleprompter, but we all know you pronounce it "wetback".

Bonus Lou Dobbs Supplemental: I bet it didn't say "cotton-pickin'" on your prompter, did it, you racist old fuck? Way to make me feel sympathy for Condoleeza Rice for the first time ever.

To George W. Bush: The surge is whatting again?

To John McCain: The what is working again?

To Bravo: Please increase the number of blogs you host for Top Chef. Six hundred a week isn't cutting it. I cannot rest until I know how Sherri Shepherd, Tom Clancy, and the tiger that mauled Roy feel about the last episode.

To The Bonus Supplemental Cable Network, aka TLC: Why not just rename yourself the Advice From Douchebags Network and be done with it?

To Everyone arguing about Sara Jane Olson: You are a bunch of fucking morons. For the second time in a decade, nobody cares. Keep it up and you'll make me tell you why. And the last thing I want to do right now is tell you why.