So Much For American Exceptionalism

« April 2008 »

Memo to Eliot Spitzer, David Vitter, and Larry Craig: WATCH AND LEARN.

We're often told by our leaders that America is the best country in the world in areas where we are not, in fact, the best country in the world. For example, they'll say we have the best health care system in the world, and all the uninsured people laugh for a few seconds until they cough up some blood. Or Lou Dobbs tells us how America is the most diverse and most tolerant nation on the planet, and we could celebrate that fact if all the cotton-picking complainers would shut up about racism.

And now we can't even claim to be number one in sex scandals. We can't even come close. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Max Mosely, British citizen, age 67, and head of the FIA, the governing body for world auto racing. He's in a spot of bother due to, apparently, being caught on tape in a Nazi-themed orgy with five prostitutes.

Let me just say that again, slowly, so you can take it all in. Nazi-themed. Orgy. With five prostitutes. At the same time. From a guy just a few years younger than John McCain. That's insane. What hath Viagra wrought? At 67, you should be shouting at whippersnappers, not whipping snappers.

Look at how our last three big sex scandals stack up against Mosley. I'll give you a little preview: POORLY.

When it comes to numbers of prostitutes, Mosley has between a five-fold and infinite-fold over our top guys. Spitzer spent five grand on one prostitute for essentially straight sex. Mosley spent five grand (approximately, at current exchange rates) on FIVE hookers to go down into a dungeon and play Concentration Camp. David Vitter? Also one prostitute. Larry Craig? No prostitutes at all, just a wide stance and some bad timing. Clearly, there are things we can learn from our former colonial overlords.

And kink? Please. Craig wanted a bathroom tryst. Spitzer wanted something "unsafe", which to me reads like he wanted to play the lead like in all the straight vanilla Internet porn I have no way of knowing he watched. Vitter had the diaper allegations, which isn't bad, but it's also something that regularly graces the pages of Savage Love. But I have never, in all the time I've been reading independent weeklies, read a letter to Dan Savage that said:

"Hi, Dan. I'm a British race car enthusiast entering my 'twilight years', as it were. Anyway, for a while now, I've been having a fantasy and was wondering how prevalent it is. I'm obsessed with concentration camps - both as Nazi guard and as inmate. What I'd really like to do is get five girls and have them treat me like an inmate for a while, and then turn around and start whipping them. I think this may have something to do with my father, who was a friend of Adolf Hitler. Should I indulge this fantasy, and are there professionals willing to help me?"

You'll never see that letter. Why? Because as much as it pains me to admit it, we're scandal slackers. Max Mosley, on the other hand, is a shining paragon. If you're going to get in trouble for fucking - and honestly, I'm not sure WHY you should get in trouble for fucking unless you spend all your time trying to stop other people from fucking - THIS is how you do it. Get a dungeon, get five hookers, and goddammit, exploit the single greatest tragedy of modern human history, in tandem with some serious goddamned daddy issues, in order to get your rocks off. Go big, as they say, or go home and have sex with your wife.

Mosley's even handling it better than his American counterparts - refusing to step down as FIA head, threatening to sue the News of the World for invasion of privacy, and denying that his five-prostitute orgy had a "Nazi connotation". That's the British stiff upper lip in action. So to speak.