Pigs And Space

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Memo to Michelle Malkin: WRONG ONE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

I have to say, I'm stumped. For a while, I thought she was just stupid. Then I thought she was a Coulteresque attention whore, just in it for the attention and book sales. When the attention and book sales dried up, and she was still attacking ten-year olds for daring to be happy they had health insurance, I assumed she was merely batshit-crazy.

But in the face of new evidence, like any good scientist, I must revise my theory. Michelle Malkin is a Wrongonaut. A bold and intrepid adventurer, dedicating herself to exploring uncharted realms of wrongness, and pinning new specimens to her blog like butterflies to corkboard so that we can all marvel at their elegance. It's the only possible explanation for her latest slam of Obama.

"I’m flying out of Harrisburg, PA this morning, but I just had to pop in as a Philly-born girl to say my peace about Barack Obama dissing the cheesesteak."

OK, first of all, it's "say your piece". At the risk of overusing the joke, Malkin's yet another right-wing homophonophobe. And second of all, I can't believe Obama went out of his way to insult the only culinary tradition of a state he's trying to win. It's a remarkable mistake coming from a campaign that hasn't made very many. What the fuck did Obama say about cheesesteaks?

"Obama out-dorked Kerry by completely passing up a cheesesteak at the Italian Market and instead sampling some fancy foreign ham. Well, la-di-dah."

Oh. He just didn't eat one. Apparently, in addition to a series of sports candidates must show proficiency in* to qualify for the presidency, there's now a fucking meal plan they have to follow too. Cheesesteaks! Crappy ribs! And of course, diner food. But nothing fancy or foreign, because it's not like they're competing for a job where the winner gets all his meals prepared by a prestigious in-house chef or anything. Oh, and about that ham?

"During a half-hour tour of the market, Obama sampled wares at Claudio Specialty Food and DiBruno Brothers - where he noshed on a Spanish ham that retails for $99.99 a pound. Staff at DiBruno’s told him the ham only recently became available because it was previously barred by the FDA. 'All I know is it tastes good,' Obama said. As good as whiz with onions?" - The Philadelphia Daily News, bringing new meaning to objective journalism.

You know what I think when I read that? I think I'm voting for Obama, because he's got good fucking judgment. Yes, $100/lb Spanish ham, presumably made using an artisanal process the FDA has been "protecting" us from while letting millions of children choke down Lunchables, is better than a goddamned steak sandwich with plastic sauce. I like Philly cheesesteaks too, but given a choice between one of them and a heretofore unobtainable slice of high-grade cured pork? YOU PICK THE HAM.

And if you don't pick the ham, you're either an idiot, or so desperate to pander to the lowest common denominator that you'll make bad decisions just so people will like you. And we know what eight years of both of those have been like, don't we?

And if you, like Malkin, criticize someone for making the right call in such a blindingly obvious situation, and compare it to when John Kerry dared to eat a cheesesteak with Swiss cheese**, and say things like:

"Too late, Mr. Dainty Fingers. You only get one chance to make a first impression. The odor of elitism is like onion breath: Quick to acquire, hard to get rid of."

...then you can only be one thing: America's foremost Wrongonaut. The Wrongle has landed. That's one wrong step for man, and one wrong leap for all punditkind. My God, it's full of wrong. All of these foods are yours, except Serrano. Attempt no noshings there.

*Bowling is on this list, windsurfing apparently is not. Don't look at me, I don't pull these fucking rules out of my ass.

** An incident that I don't even remember amongst the stupidities of the '04 campaign. But it seems to me that if John Kerry bought a treasonous cheesesteak loaded with Eurocentric, neutral fromage, then some treasonous, Eurocentric Philly establishment must have made it for him, n'est-ce pas?