Idle Hands And The Devil's Work

« April 2008 »

Memo to Monique Davis, Charlie Daniels, and Florida: YOU ARE DUMB.

Like sands through the hourglass, so go the stupid people through You Are Dumb Dot Net. And sometimes, you've got to shake the thing to loosen up a clump of fuckwittery that's clogging up the whole damn works. And around here, we save that until the end of the week, and call it SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

You know, it's bad enough that an Illinois Democrat, Monique Davis, teed off on an atheist last week, ranting and raving about how awful he, and by extension we all, are. I mean, if I were the kind of person to give a fuck what Monique Davis thinks, I might get a bit cranky to hear something like this:

"What you have to spew and spread is extremely dangerous... it's dangerous for our children to even know that your philosophy exists! This is the Land of Lincoln where people believe in God. Get out of that seat... You have no right to be here! We believe in something. You believe in destroying! You believe in destroying what this state was built upon."

That's just misunderstood. We atheists have nothing against the Earth's crust. We're pro-crust. If we weren't pro-crust, would we spend so much time insisting schools get its age right? We're opposed to stuffed crusts, yes, but only because cheese-stuffed pizza crusts are the strongest evidence to date for the existence of supernatural evil. But as far as atheists are concerned, Illinois can continue to rest upon the Earth and not be swallowed up by a huge fissure.

And speaking of huge fissures, how big of a fissure do you have to be in order to blame yelling about atheists being believers in destruction on a dead kid? In what will go down as a classic in political excuse construction: ACTUAL NEWS STORY QUOTE TIME!

"According to Sherman and State Rep. Jack Franks….Davis claims her outburst was triggered by learning shortly beforehand…that there’d been another Chicago Public School student killed. State Rep. Jack Franks was chairing the hearing that day and says Davis’ outburst was uncharacteristic, adding 'she was having a bad day.'" - WBBM 780, Chicago. Really?

If this is true, we atheists could make a fucking killing, if you'll pardon the expression. We should just set up roadside stands. "Experienced a tragedy? Yell at an atheist!". For five bucks, you get to say all kinds of mean shit about us, right to our faces, and we'll let it slide because you learned about a completely unrelated tragedy earlier in the day. A schoolkid shot, a traffic accident, not enough cinnamon on your frappucino, whatever, We'll make it all better. For a price. It's a win-win! We make money, and you can keep not blaming your omnipotent, omniscient deity for shit that goes down on his watch. Deal?

And speaking of omnipotent, Charlie Daniels is a dumbass. Apparently, he's all grumpy because "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" was in Guitar Hero III, and you play it against the devil in the game's completely ridiculous battle mode. And he's upset because, well, it's a battle mode in a video game. Which means...SPOILER ALERT!

"The song, 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia,' which I wrote, is supposed to be a lighthearted novelty about a fiddling contest between a country boy and the devil and the devil always loses. That is not the case with the Guitar Hero version which comes complete with a horned, guitar-playing devil who battles the player and very often wins."

OK, Charlie. Let's throw out four decades of video game design fundamentals and end a game with a duel the player can't actually lose, no matter how bad he is at it, to avoid offending your sensibilities. I don't care how much easier that would have made my life last November, that's bullshit. Does your song really celebrate the Devil's incompetence? No, it does not. It celebrates the fiddle-playing ability of the mortal fiddle player. I say that Guitar Hero III teaches an important moral lesson - do not duel with the Devil unless you're really, really good at your instrument. By instilling this lesson into the youth of America, Activision could save millions of nonexistent immortal souls every year.

And speaking of instilling lessons into the youth of America, I must demand of the State of Florida that if they cannot teach their students basic human biology, that they at least control the spread of ridiculous rumors so that they don't result in a Darwinian zero-sum game.

You see, as a result of Florida's abstinence-only sex education program, Florida teenagers believe that drinking bleach will keep you from getting AIDS. This is a good thing, because it results in stupid sexually-active teenagers drinking bleach, which down the road will result in fewer stupid sexually active teenagers. Darwinian plus!

But they ALSO believe that a shot of Mountain Dew will keep you from getting pregnant, and I don't care what orifice they're downing, or upping as the case may be, that shot into - this will inevitably result in stupid sexually-active teenagers getting pregnant, which down the road will result in more stupid sexually active teenagers. Darwinian minus!

Come on, Florida. If you can't make us smarter, you could at least make us sparser. Convince all the boys that plugging their scrotum into a 110-volt outlet will render them sterile for the next six hours. That'd be fun, as long as the prevailing winds blew the scorched pube smell out to sea.