Religion Of Peace

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Memo to Florida Catholics and William Donohue: YOU ARE DUMB.

Before we begin, I would like to remind everyone of the history, over the past decade, of outraged right-wing Christians writing letters to the editor and gleefully pointing out that whenever Muslims go apeshit over some imagined affront to their religion, that it proves Islam is not a "religion of peace", and that Christians are inherently superior, even though it has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with cultural comfort and complacency.

And now, on to the story of the poor guy who's getting death threats for smuggling a Communion wafer out of a Catholic Mass held at the University of Central Florida.

Meet Webster Cook. Upon receiving the Nazarene Nabisco, he did not put it into his mouth. He says he wanted to show it to his friend who was curious about Catholicism. When church officials demanded he finish his Jesus, presumably because there are children starving for Jesus in Africa, he popped the gluten-rich manifestation of the One True Keebler Elf in his mouth, then took it out when he got back to his pew.

Apparently one of the churchies saw this, and she tried to wrestle the Saviour Snack out of Cook's hand, which pissed him off, so he took it and left. That's when the fun began. He got death threats. The unfortunately named Susan Fani, speaking for the local diocese, actually had the big round wafers to tell the news that "if anything were to qualify as a hate crime, to us this seems like this might be it."

Let's just parse that out fully to really see how fucking stupid it is. Beating someone up, or even killing them, because they're gay? Not a hate crime. Being given one of the MILLIONS of wholly symbolic Jesus Newtons given out every day by the Catholic Church and not actually consuming it? That's a hate crime. Plus, it's hypocritical. Catholics, make up your damn minds. Are we supposed to swallow or not?

Of course Bill Donohue got in on the act. It's good to know that whenever a Catholic has a hissy-fit over something stupid, Donohue and the Catholic League will be there to make sure that hissy-fit is on Fox News eight times before lunch. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"For a student to disrupt Mass by taking the Body of Christ hostage—regardless of the alleged nature of his grievance—is beyond hate speech. That is why the UCF administration needs to act swiftly and decisively in seeing that justice is done. All options should be on the table, including expulsion."

Clearly, as an atheist who, had circumstances gone differently, might have ended up Catholic, I find this overwrought anger hilarious and inexplicable. Holding the Body of Christ hostage? I'll admit my knowledge of the various beliefs surrounding transubstantiation is incomplete, but it seems to me that given the age of the Catholic Church, and the number of communion wafers produced, blessed, and distributed during that time, that Cook is not holding the body of Christ hostage. He might be holding a chunk of a fingernail clipping of Christ hostage, tops. I mean, sure, if the Pope had a chunk of a fingernail clipping of Christ, I'm sure it would be in a diamond box in a gold room buried in a catacomb under the Vatican lined entirely of DaVinci paintings the world's never seen, but you get my point. It's not a big deal.

Maybe if he'd smuggled the communion wafer out like a drug mule, you know, wrapped in a Trojan and shoved up his rectum? Maybe then I could see them starting to get a bit cranky. But as it stands now, I just don't get it. I mean, if the Muslims are supposed to just let it slide when their prophet gets mocked in a cartoon, then why does Donohue get to call for the expulsion of Cook for Christnapping and get to be taken seriously? It's almost as if religion made no fucking sense at all.

And that doesn't even get INTO what Donohue pulled next, but that is a story for another day.