Chihuahua Two Ways

« October 2008 »

Memo to Wall Street, John McCain,

There are bull markets, there are bear markets, but I'm pretty sure what we're in right now is a SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY market.

You know what the biggest disappointment is about this week's stock market crash? A distinct lack of investors and tycoons leaping out of windows. At least in the Great Depression, common citizens could comfort themselves with the dull splatting sound of dickwads hitting the pavement as they walked down to the local applecart. I'm half convinced that the real reason the New Deal worked as well as it did is because the suiciding investors culled the fucking herd of greedy douchebags.

You know who I blame? Donald Trump. He's the living embodiment of the selfish 80s mentality that festered and grew and then decayed into a zombie shell of its former self. Plus, he's a show-off and a drama queen. If ANYONE should be making a grand, gravity-assisted statement about fiscal ruin, it's The Donald, and if he went, the rest of them would follow him over the edge like the apocryphal lemmings. Apocryphal lemmings with MBAs from state universities.

In case you were wondering what I, your humble auteur, thought was the single biggest dick move Gramps McGrumps pulled during the second presidential debate, well, it wasn't "That one." Oh, sure, some could argue that "that one" is the grammatical singular form of "those people", but it still doesn't measure up to McCain's giant, throbbing dick move - calling the heart of a planetarium an "overhead projector".

Planetariums are cool. You know how cool planetariums are? Planetariums are cool EVEN AFTER you take into account their showings of Laser Floyd. That's some serious cool held in reserve. And do not lump precision motorized machinery that can simulate the entire visible universe with movement choreographed perfectly to a 25-year-old recording of Carl Sagan's voice in with that overheated gray box that throws PowerPoint on the wall. Earmark my ass.

Planetariums are also a perfect example of what government is good for. If it were up to the private sector, there would never be any planetariums, because most of you fuckers out there would rather go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua than Betelgeuse and Cassiopeia. But government can make planetariums possible in spite of your horrible taste in projected entertainment, and thus children around the world will learn about the majesty of the universe without being told a bearded hippie died so that little boys would never touch their peepees until marriage.

And a quick update on our buddy David Zucker and his desperate attempt at conservative comedy, "An American Carol".

It seems that somehow, Zucker and Vivendi Entertainment failed to estimate the actual audience for stale pro-war jokes about Michael Moore and hippies that weren't funny back in the halcyon days when we all thought those yellow ribbon magnets were a meaningful gesture of sacrifice. It came in ninth for the week, doing just over $2,000 per screen, and somehow managing to do worse than the second-week grosses of "Fireproof", in which Kirk Cameron, I shit you not, saves his marriage thanks to a ridiculous month-long stunt proposed by his newly religious father.

And I'd just like to say this to all the conservative columnists out there, chock full of insane conspiracy theories as to why the public failed to embrace Zucker's masterpiece, ranging from John McCain's slump in the polls to an organized plot by minimum-wage ticket-takers to redirect Carol's numbers to "Beverly Hills Chihuahua". If it was sad and stupid when the Browncoat nerds did it, it's even more pathetic and crazy when you do it. Also, HA HA HA HA HA. Fuckwits.