« October 2008 »

Memo to the politics of fear: YOU ARE DUMB.

A lot of people are treating this election as a referendum of the effectiveness of character assassination and fear-based politics. Which would be a mistake. No, most of the attacks haven't succeeded in moving their beneficiaries ahead in the polls. That doesn't mean they're not working, it just means that Obama, for example, would be a lot farther ahead than he is now. We're lucky that fear is being overwhelmed by other factors right now, but don't count crazy bullshit out. In the interests of keeping you afraid of fear, for Halloween, I present the scariest ads of the 2008 campaign, courtesy SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

We start in Mississippi, which right there ought to be enough to make you start shitting candy corn. Way down south in the land of cotton, Senator Roger Wicker is fending off a strong challenge from Democrat Robert Musgrove. In an attempt to scare voters into not voting for the not-very-progressive-at-all Musgrove, Wicker made a list of all the most liberal groups who contributed to the DSCC, who spent some money on his opponent. Well, he didn't make a list. He made a line. Of people in costume. Representing the interests.

The Friends of Hillary? Represented by a short-haired, possibly lipstick lesbian woman in a suit. A guy in a cow suit represented a beef plant. NARAL Pro Choice America is a middle-aged guy in glasses and a suit with a briefcase full of money, which only makes sense if you're a twisted embryo-fetishist. Oh, and the Human Rights Campaign? They got a cowboy, a biker, and a construction worker. You know, like the Village People. Because they're gay. And in Mississippi, the only gay stereotype they have is one from three decades ago, because they're backwoods pigfuckers.

Next we turn to my sweet home Minnesota, where Norm Coleman is getting long in the tooth in every possible sense of the term. In order to help Coleman defeat Al Franken, the crack team* at the NRSC came up with a great mailer. Using cartoon images of Franken, the cover says "Come on in, kids! Senator Franken's going to tell a few jokes..."

Open this inviting cover, and what do you find inside? On the left, cartoon kids with word bubbles attacking Franken. On the right, comic-book text saying Franken has "written so-called comedy routines about raping women", which as we've discussed happened in a writer's room brainstorming. Oh, and of course, "Wrote a pornographic column for Playboy - and thought it was funny."

See, if he'd written a pornographic column for Playboy and thought it -wasn't- funny, that would be a problem. That's called turning in shoddy work and getting paid for it, something Norm Coleman knows way too much about. The mailer caused a huge uproar because apparently Minnesota kids were going through the mail, looking at the comic book, and asking their parents what "pornographic" means. Or asking Dad if he still had the Playboy with the Franken column in it in that box in the closet Mom thought he threw away.

And finally, the big winner - the single worst, scariest, and most upgefucked ad in the history of Election 2008 - a call I'm more than willing to make with four days to go, because it's just that awful. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Elizabeth "My Husband's A Viagra Spokesman And All I Got Was This Lousy Lay" Dole, attempting to hang on to her North Carolina Senate seat. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"A leader of the Godless Americans PAC recently held a secret fundraiser in Kay Hagan's honor. Godless Americans and Kay Hagan -- she hid from cameras, took godless money. What did Hagan promise in return?"

First, as a proud godless American myself, allow me to deliver to Elizabeth Dole her obligatory "Fuck you and the plastic fake Jesus you rode in with". I didn't even know we HAD a political action committee, so that shows you just how harmless and powerless they are. We're certainly not some shadowy organization you can tar your opponent with based on a grossly exaggerated connection. Well, I guess Elizabeth Dole can, because she's a horrible human being.

Further evidence of Elizabeth Dole's oxygen-wasting potential comes at the end of the ad, in which the voice of Godless American Ellen Johnson saying "There is no God." is superimposed over Sunday school teacher Kay Hagan's face. If this ad proves anything, it's that there is a drastic shortage of tar, feathers, and rails for which to run people out of town on in modern American politics.

Hope you stocked up on fun-size Milky Way, because it's going to be a long weekend.

*Although to be fair, it's entirely possible they were cranked on meth instead.