Peace Out

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Memo to "Silent P" Rick Warren: YOU ARE PURPOSE-DRIVEN DUMB.

They're doing it again. We've mentioned many times in this space how evangelicals like to set up a parallel culture because they can't compete with the real one. Instead of Guitar Hero, they have Guitar Praise. Instead of music, they have Christian rock. Instead of sex, they dance with their fathers at purity balls. Well, thanks to Rick Warren, they now have their very own peace prize that they can give out to whoever the fuck they want, and Nobel can't say shit.

The award is the International Medal of PEACE, and it's being given out for the very first time this year by Mr. Purpose-Driven Life himself, Rick Warren, who is now the go-to guy for religious pandering by politicians. Remember during the campaign, when both Obama and McCain rode his Saddleback Church, and how much that blew goats? Yeah. Well, now they're giving out big fucking medals on behalf of the shouty, all-caps version of PEACE. But how do you win one of Pastor Warren's brand new shiny medals? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The 'International Medal of PEACE' is given on behalf of the Global PEACE Coalition for outstanding contribution toward alleviating the five global giants recognized by the Coalition, including pandemic diseases, extreme poverty, illiteracy, self-centered leadership and spiritual emptiness. The Coalition is a network of churches, businesses and individuals cooperating together to solve humanitarian issues through the PEACE Plan, an effort to mobilize 1 billion Christians to Promote reconciliation, Equip servant leaders, Assist the poor, Care for the sick and Educate the next generation."

OK, first of all, that is an awkward fucking acronym, although I'm guessing it works better in its natural habitat, which is clearly a very ugly Powerpoint slide with the five items arranged vertically, with the first letters of each item twice the size of the rest of the text, and probably a glowing cross in the background somewhere. But this way they get to type "PEACE" instead of "peace" all the time, which doesn't make them look crazy AT ALL.

Anyway, Rick Warren has to maintain his fake moderate cred after pushing hard to pass Prop 8, so you'll notice most of his goals aren't super-objectionable. I'm not sure what a "servant leader" is*, but I'll give Warren the benefit of the doubt and assume it's not an oblique reference to slavery. And I'm not sure I'd pick "spiritual emptiness" as a global problem in need of alleviation. You can take my spiritual emptiness when you pry it from my cold, dead soul, motherfuckers.

Apart from that, though, just reading the non-specific parts of the press release, I'd feel comfortable thinking that anyone with the International Medal of PEACE hanging around their NECK is going to be a pretty decent human BEING. Assuming, of course, that they're actually applying their principles to the selection process, and not just engaging in a shameful political ploy on behalf of an allied political movement. So who's getting the first ever International Medal of PEACE?

You know him by many names. Chuckles, The Retarded Lame Duck. Monkeyfucker. Pretzelbane. He Who Must Not Be Parsed. You know him, you hate him, but you still voted for him twice: George W. Bush.

Bush is ostensibly getting the award for his efforts in fighting AIDS, which, come to think of it, did manage to be the least disastrous policy of the entire Bush presidency. Of course, this is due to the fact that the aircraft carrier he dispatched to the waters off the coast of AIDS in order to bomb it "back into the Stone Age" took the month to cruise the Atlantic and relax before reporting back that AIDS wasn't a country.

But giving Bush the award for fighting AIDS, which is a pandemic disease, means that the five Global Giants must be individually sealed in plastic bags, then the bags dipped in molten lead. And then four of the bags are spread to four equidistant points on the globe, and the fifth shot into geostationary orbit, to ensure that none of the Giants are able to see, hear, or communicate with each other in any way.

Because I guarantee you, if Extreme Poverty, Self-Centered Leadership, or Illiteracy got wind that George W. Bush was getting an award for ameliorating their peer? They would be handing out the International Medal of PISSED. That Warren can create this award out of whole cloth, then hand it to Insipo The Clown with a straight face, just proves that Rick Warren is a crazy motherfucker who can not and should not be trusted. Or treated as the official representative of a movement that deserves credibility on the national political stage, no matter how many millions of sappy self-help books he sells.

*This is a joke setup, and not an invitation for educational e-mails. Just so you know.