This, Weak In God

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Memo to Rick Warren, Chris Buttars, the Kentucky legislature, and the Pope: YOU ARE DUMB.

I admit, now that the election's over, it's long past time I had a week with five goddamned columns in it. And since I've had four goddamned columns this week already, it just makes sense to close the week out with a God-damning edition of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

I talked about Rick Warren earlier this week, but I need to whack him again. We really need to push back against the notion that this guy is anything but a skinnier, less ruddy, more photogenic version of Jerry Falwell. In addition to fighting against gay marriage and giving made-up peace medals to George W. Bush, now he's going on Fox News to provide a biblical justification for bombing Iran. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well, actually, the Bible says that evil cannot be negotiated with. It has to just be stopped... In fact, that is the legitimate role of government. The Bible says that God puts government on earth to punish evildoers. Not good-doers. Evildoers." - Warren, comforting Sean Hannity, who wondered (rhetorically, I presume) if it made him a bad person to advocate that the United States "take out" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

That is not a moderate. That is some hardcore shit right there. Saying the Bible condones assassinating a foreign leader or overthrowing a country because of a passage that, I'm told, refers mainly to punishing petty criminals? Even in today's red-shifted discourse, that's not a middle-of-the-road position. That's purpose-driven wingnuttery.


Over in Utah, where everything sucks all the time, State Senator Chris Buttars is looking to star in the off-off-off-off-off-Salt Lake City production of "Yes, Virginia, There Is A War On Christmas". And he's trying to win that war legislatively, hoping to get the state to officially demand that retailers wish shoppers a "Merry Christmas".

You know, the War On Christmas is stupid enough without buttards from Utah smashing through the church-state wall with their insistence that I can't buy a fucking screwdriver without being reminded of fake Jesus' fake birthday. Of course, he says we're a Christian nation, which I'd think would be a trickier claim to make when you're surrounded by Mormons. Then again, I can never figure out what's gonna make the sects schism and what makes 'em band together against the heathen scum.


And speaking of Kool-Aid Jesus busting through the church-state wall with a hearty O YEA, here's a fun fact. Did you know that for the past two years, the chief duty of the Kentucky Department of Homeland Security has been "stressing the dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the Commonwealth"? Well, it has. Proving once again that there are few douches on earth douchier than red-state state legislators, Kentucky Rep. Tom Riner snuck an amendment into legislation two years ago.So now, amongst other things, the department has a plaque at its entrance declaring that "The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God." Oh, really? Then riddle me this, mister big-shot part-time state legislator and part-time Southern Baptist minister. If you've got the plaque, and you've got the legislation, and you've got the dependence and reliance on God, then why the fuck do you need a Homeland Security department at all? Why not just rely and depend on God to make sure nothing interesting enough for terrorists to attack ever makes it inside Kentucky's borders? Or, more accurately, why don't you just recognize that this seems to have already come to pass?


Oh, and a quick fuck you to the Pope and the Vatican, who, terrified of a slippery slope leading from "not killing them" all the way to "treating them like full human beings", are formally opposing a United Nations resolution calling on the world's governments to decriminalize homosexuality. In other words, the Catholic Church is happy to let gays be imprisoned and executed in third-world theocracies because the United Nations resolution might eventually make it difficult to fight against same-sex marriage.

And this is one hell of an argument for keeping religion out of politics. Politics is fucked up enough without the kind of calculus where preventing unjust executions would interfere with with the irrational fight against something that harms nothing more than the precious sensibilities of the godly. At least greed, as a corrupting rationale, makes some goddamned sense.