This Is Not A Blag

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Memo to Rod Blagojevich: YOU ARE DUMB.

Oh, how disheartening it is to see a Democrat go down in a corruption scandal. Wait, did I say disheartening? No! It's awesome. I mean, clearly, I would be happy in a world where conservatives were all corrupt and liberals were all kind-hearted puppy-petters, but since that ain't fuckin' true and never will be, then the best thing that can happen is for stupid, corrupt people to be arrested and sent to jail no matter what their ostensible ideology. Which is why today, we're celebrating with an all-Blagojevich edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I've got this thing and it's fucking golden, and, uh, uh, I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing. I'm not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there." - Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Note that when there is doubt, I will be replacing any deleted expletives with the most likely candidate. The most likely candidate is almost invariably "fuck" or a derivative, because apparently Rod drops F-bombs like Dubya drops actual bombs.

Here we have what is essentially the outline of the dumbest bribery scheme in human history. Blago has been under investigation forever. So he spends the weeks after the election on the PHONE talking about how he's gonna auction off the appointment to Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder. For fuck's sake, even before Bush put the government's ears on every phone call and e-mail in the country, someone would have been listening in on the governor's phone.The only explanation that doesn't rely entirely on gubernatorial moronitude is that he's actually pitching ABC for a new TV show. It'd be a spinoff of Life On Mars, and it'd star Blagojevich as a politician who, for mysterious reasons, thinks he's soliciting bribes in 1975. Why do Democrats have to have the dumbest crooks? This is dumber than cash in the freezer, for fuck's sake.

"ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that he is "struggling" financially and does "not want to be Governor for the next two years." ROD BLAGOJEVICH said that the consultants (Advisor B and another consultant are believed to be on the call at that time) are telling him that he has to "suck it up" for two years and do nothing and give this "motherfucker [the President-elect] his senator. Fuck him. For nothing? Fuck him." ROD BLAGOJEVICH states that he will put "[Senate Candidate 4]" in the Senate "before I just give fucking [Senate Candidate 1] a fucking Senate seat and I don't get anything." Later in the conversation, ROD BLAGOJEVICH said he knows that the President-elect wants Senate Candidate 1 for the open seat but "they're not willing to give me anything except appreciation. Fuck them." - From the federal indictment.

Thank fuck for that. I may not know whether Barack Obama is ethical. I may not know how liberal he is in his heart of hearts. But this is one more bit of evidence that at least Barack Obama isn't stupid. He's been avoiding Blagojevich since 2003, and he didn't get involved with this stupid scheme. If Obama does end up being corrupt, they're going to have to work a lot harder to catch him.

"...our recommendation is fire all those fucking people, get ‘em the fuck out of there and get us some editorial support." - The soon to be ex-governor, detailing how he wanted to essentially extort the Chicago Tribune to have them fire editorial writers critical of him if they wanted his help with the paper's financial problems.

You know what the best part of this quote is? What the editorial writers were criticizing the governor for. Specifically, going around the Legislature to get things he wanted done. I'd say that was the least of his problems. He was going around the legislature, he was going around the laws, he was going around ethics, and unless I miss my guess, he was going around Chicago collecting dead rats to shave and make into a toupee.

Well, good fucking riddance to him, and anyone else, Democrat or Republican alike, stupid enough to be that transparently corrupt. At least Bush has the common sense to appoint lawyers to say his violations of the law are perfectly legal. But I guess covering your ass and taking even minimal precautions against being caught isn't the Chicago way.