Long Past Their Sell-By Date

« December 2008 »

Memo to Chad Kroeger, Pete Wentz, and Sam Wurzelbacher: YOU ARE DUMB.

OK. Are we clear? No big-haired governors pulling incredibly stupid shit right before a Wednesday and offering up choice, irresistible quotes? Good. Because these quotes have been waiting a long time for their day in the sun, and they're not playing second fiddle any longer. These IDIOTS are going to SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"So kids: Start rock bands. Set down the Guitar Hero, learn how to play an actual guitar and start a band, because it's hard to find more bands to put a solid rock-and-roll package together, to get out there. It's getting harder and harder, but I think we've done it." - Chad Kroeger, frontman, Nickelback.

Fuck you, Chad. We all know what happens when no-talent kids put down their video games, learn how to play actual guitars, and start bands. NICKELBACK FUCKING HAPPENS. And the last thing we need are more Nickelbacks. Also, Nickelback is having a tough time finding bands to tour with? It can't be because of their merciless musical standards, because if Nickelback had merciless musical standards, there'd have been a flaming tour bus in a California ditch years ago.

"I feel weird because all these people have all these ideas on what it means ... I don't think anyone knows the real story of why or how." - Pete Wentz, on why he and Ashlee Simpson named their child "Bronx Mowgli Wentz".

OK. I'm not normally one for beating up on celebrities for saddling their children with horrible, psychotic names. In fact, I encourage it as karmic balance, allowing the spawn of the rich and famous to endure something vaguely related to hardship at some point in their lives. So if Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson want to name their kid after a New York neighborhood and the feral kid from The Jungle Book, more power to them.

But even thick fucks like Wentz should know the real story of why and how. The how is because you filled in Bronx Mowgli on the birth certificate, asshole. And if you're going to saddle your child with a name like Bronx Mowgli, you need a damn good reason why, because in about five years, little Bronx is going to come home from his first day at school. And unless he goes to a private school full of celebrity kids with weird names, he's gonna realize at some point that he's never, ever going to own a belt buckle with his name on it. And he's going to want to know why. And he'll deserve a decent answer, not your retarded, post-natal ramblings to Ryan Seacrest.

"Well, I spoke to John McCain pretty in-depth and, you know, I'll tease you here. A lot of liberals are going to love that passage. Right now I'm painted as the right-wing conservative nut, but I'm just an American wanting, you know, what every other American wants and that's, you know, honesty from our elected officials which, you know, has not happened in a very long time... When I was on the bus with him, I asked him a lot of questions about the bailout because most Americans did not want that to happen, yet he voted for it. At the same time he's talking about how he's going to make somebody famous if they even think about putting pork in the bill? We all know how much pork was in the $700 billion bailout package. And why did he vote for it? And I asked him pretty direct questions and some of the answers you guys are going to receive, you know, they appalled me, absolutely. You know, I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him. - Sam Not A Plumber Wurzelbacher, promoting his Joe The Plumber book he didn't write on Glenn Beck's radio show.

No, Joe. Liberals are not going to love anything in your book. Because you are, in fact, a right-wing nutjob, and hating on John McCain for not being conservative enough to oppose the financial bailout on ridiculous Federalist Society small-government grounds isn't going to endear you to us. Because one of the reasons we wanted John McCain to lose so badly in the last three weeks of the campaign is that you and Sarah Palin would go the fuck away. And McCain lost, and neither of you have GONE THE FUCK AWAY. Oh, for those glorious days of 2001, when elections had consequences.

Also, the $700 billion bailout bill wasn't "pork", dumbass. Pork is when you tack a $500,000 rec center in your state capital onto a $100 million roads bill. The bailout bill was pure, unmitigated Treasury looting on the face of it. There weren't handouts to the rich hidden in amendments to the TARP legislation. The TARP legislation WAS the handout. Now get your sorry ass off the public stage. You hit the snooze alarm on your fifteen minutes one more goddamned time, and we're taking your hands.