O Tannencock

« December 2008 »

Memo to the Germans: MY PENIS IS FINE, THANKS.

Merry Dickmas! In keeping with the tradition I started last year, Christmas Day at You Are Dumb Dot Net celebrates the greatest subject lines I've gotten all year from penis-related spam messages. Clearly, the goal of e-mail advertisers in 2008 was to make sure I had a penis so large and so hard I could buy a new GENUINE ROLEX to wear around it. And then my junk would always know what time it is*.

But before I begin with the actual subject lines, I would like to give a special shout-out to the fine people of Germany, who are obviously very very concerned about the state of my penis. And I'm touched, really. There's nothing less disturbing than having Germans questioning my wangliness in my inbasket forty times a day. But if there are in fact any Germans reading this column, let me assure you that my schtuppenschticken is sehr gut, and your blitzkrieg of assistance is no longer required.

Of course, in the last couple of weeks, the Germans seem to have gossiped to the Russians about my inability to make her scream all night long, so dasvedongya, comrades, but your technical assistance in rendering my ICBMM** launch-ready is not required. And now, on to the ostensibly English spam!

Make Love Log grow!

It happens rarely, but every once in a while a spam actually introduces a brand new euphemism for penis, and since the good ones have already been invented, this clever soul decided to make it sound like an affectionate turd. Which is, in case you were wondering, the third-worst kind of turd.

Your Golden Days With Viagra Professional

I'm just pissed off that we've apparently been wasting our time all these years with Viagra Amateur.

We proudly present genitaugmentor!

I'm sorry, but "genitaugmentor" sounds like the worst Power Rangers villain ever. Not only would he be thanked by the general population of Orange Grove, but Rita Repulsa's repeated request to "MAKE MY MONSTER GROW" would be rendered redundant.***

Now your member can be as hard as Pinocchio's nose.

That's the good news. The bad news is, I'm scrupulously honest. Apparently to a fault.

Joking apart, herpes can really spoil your life.

This is like a snippet from the worst conversation ever. You and your friends are sitting around, having a grand old time yukking it up about herpes, and then one friend pipes up and says, "Joking apart, herpes can really spoil your life." And then you notice he's been covering his mouth with his hand all evening. And then he tells you how to make your dick bigger. And then you drive home because you're skeeved out.

Small friend is for hiding, big friend is for showing off.

Something to keep in mind the next time you head to the mall with Emmanuel Lewis and Lou Ferrigno. I was going to say it was a shame the two of them never worked together, ideally on The Incredible Hulk Meets Webster, but then I googled and it turns out they were both in "Frank McClusky, C.I.", a movie that, now that I know it exists, I wish I could invent a time machine and stop myself from finding out it exists.

You'll brake walls with your boner.

OK, first of all, ignoring the hilarious homophone, why would I want to break a wall with my boner? The world is full of literally hundreds of non-genital ways to deal with unwanted drywall. If I were somehow in a situation where the only tool available to me was my erect manhammer, the last thing I would worry about is remodeling. As spelled, it's even more horrifying, making me picture one of those deathtraps where the walls close in on you. I saw what happened to that huge metal pipe Han Solo tried to use in the trash compactor, and I don't care how many pills you put in me, I'm not pitting the captain of the U.S.S. My Pants up against that.

Merry Dickmas, and Happy New Girth!

*It's business, it's business time!

**As a Christmas gift, I will point out that the first "M" stands for "moisture".

***As an additional Christmas gift: excessive alliteration!