Smack My Grinch Up

« December 2008 »

Memo to Christmas: YOU ARE DUMB.

I actually like Christmas as much as any O'Reillian Secular Progressive Suppressive Person can. Sure, I may not hold to the Judeo-Christian lifestyle choice. And no, I don't actually celebrate the birth of Jesus. But I enjoy as many of the general cultural aspects of the holiday as much as any cynical atheist can. And what I don't enjoy, I complain about for your benefit.

Please, I beg you. Someone write another Christmas standard in Spanish. Nothing against Jose Feliciano per se, but if we must restrict ourselves to one token Hispanic song each year, it's not too much to ask that we change it up every decade or three. Maybe with something that doesn't repeat the same four phrases for six fucking minutos. Plus, there's that horrible Taco John's commercial, where the words "...and from Taco John's" are tacked onto the end of the chorus in the only thing from Taco John's more repellent than their beef and fried potato burrito.

Also, fuck you, basic cable documentary channels. Every single December, your Discovery Channels, your History Channels, your Science Channels, and their ilk load up with all the Jesus-related programming they can get their hands on. Which is only fair, because I distinctly remember TBN airing the Richard Dawkins and Cher Variety Hour on the anniversary of the Scopes Monkey Trial.

A&E has Mysteries of the Bible. Discovery has the somewhat oddly named Jesus: The Complete Story: The Early Years, which is either one episode of a series or a startling misunderstanding of the word "complete". Biography has Jesus: His Life. Fox News has The Birth of Jesus, probably with a crawl underneath it keeping us up to date on the remains of Caylee Anthony.

National Geographic has a fucking trinity: Jesus: The Man, Jesus' Tomb, and Secret Lives of Jesus. Unless that last one reveals that the Messiah was also a bigamist moneychanger who went by the alias "Captain Awesome", I'm not interested. The History Channel has "In Search Of Christmas". No, don't get excited. I checked. It's not a rerun where Leonard Nimoy treats Jesus as if he were Bigfoot. Because that would be cool.

I don't care how many stentorian announcers you have, or how many gray-haired archaeologists you put on screen. These shows will not act as a gateway drug for Bible literalists to learn about quarks. They're just painfully pandering pseudoscience. Which I suppose describes all their documentaries as a general rule, but it's more irritating when it's an attempt to shore up global mythology.

And speaking of mythology, I will go on the record, right here, right now, with the entire Internet as my witness. Tonia Thomas did not get fired from Counts-Oakes Resorts Properties in Pensacola, FL for telling customers "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". She didn't. I know she didn't like I know the sun will rise on Christmas fucking morning.

It was inevitable that the fake War On Christmas would eventually produce even faker victims of the War on Christmas. Completely fucking inevitable that some poor sucker would seize upon it, knowing it'd get her mentioned on Bill O'Reilly and all kinds of sympathy from fucktards who can't perceive that it didn't happen. They need it to happen so they can maintain their illusion that this is the kind of thing that does happen, and they are thus justified in beating on liberals with their half-erect penises from October through January, when it's time to start the War on Easter up again.

But it didn't happen. And that's a much safer bet than a leveraged mortgage-backed security.