The End of Year Five

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Memo to the audience: FIVE YEARS AND COUNTING.

We have reached the end of five years of non-stop mockery of the universe of stupid. Five years is a long time. As a nerd, I can't help but think of the span in terms of the nerd TV I've watched over the years.

If I were Babylon 5, for example, I'd be shutting down the site tomorrow, leaving you all with the vague impression that 2008's columns were a lot shittier than you expected, and why did I spend the first three months of the year complaining about willows?

If I were Star Trek: The Next Generation, you'd be annoyed with me for making fun of fantasy scenarios of stupidity more and more often, but you'd still be glad I wasn't writing the clumsy, beardless columns of that first year.

If I were Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, I'd have run out of decent ideas over a year ago, but you'd all still keep reading because of my unique dialogue quirks. Actually, that's starting to hit a bit too close to home, so let's move on.

For those who wonder about such things, 2008 was a big year for You Are Dumb Dot Net. For the first time, I topped a million page views in a single year. Not quite four hundred thousand visits. And these days, about 1,200 people a day tune in for their free dose of spleen-venting rage, brain-bending moronitude, and heart-wrenching dickjokery.

The year was big in a couple other ways - it was a presidential election year, the second in the site's history, and certainly fuckloads more interesting, edifying, and ultimately gratifying than the last one. I'd especially like to thank Sarah Palin, whose unprecedented blend of cluelessness, venality, and a five-letter name permitted me to make what I believe was the Internet's first, and what was certainly the Internet's best, Sarah Palin Bingo card. Which was the closest I've ever come to having something I created go viral.

This means, in the annals of Internet history, I'm approximately 1% of an animated hamster GIF, .5% of a grammar-challenged cat, and .1% of a badly-translated Sega Genesis game. The pride I take in this is only slightly sarcastic.

Some may wonder how largely political anger and comedy can survive in the era of Obama. When the president isn't a history-making incompetent dumbass, what will You Are Dumb Dot Net talk about? Well, call me the world's most optimistic cynic, but it's already painfully obvious that stupid people aren't smart enough to know that they're beat, and are already marshaling their forces for their renaissance. Well, except that they can't spell renaissance, can't pronounce renaissance, and are pretty sure the classical Renaissance was just a bunch of Italian homos painting a bunch of naked dudes and jerking each other off anyway.

I have a feeling I'll figure something out. Year Six kicks off tomorrow. Thanks for sticking around.