Burn, Baby Burn

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Memo to Grassfire: YOU ARE DUMB.

I like to think that the first column of the year should set the tone for the kind of stupidity I expect in that year. Last year, I was dreading the election, and sure enough the election season was an epic slog through the swamps of stupidity. This year, there's no election. There is only... resistance.

Mark my words. 2009 will be the year of resistance. We are, collectively, a bit fucked thanks to the last eight years. We have someone proposing ways out of befuckedness that aren't particularly radical by the standards of history. Yet these plans will meet with resistance, because that's the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats always capitulate and convince themselves it's for the good of the country. Republicans never capitulate, and convince themselves it's for the good of the country.

And nowhere is that more pathetically evident than at Grassfire.org, a website which encourages "patriotic, resilient, conservative" Republicans to, in my first pledge to shit you not in 2009, "Join the resistance". With red text on a black background and looking for all the world like a Marc Singer fansite run by someone who thinks water-stealing lizard aliens are real, Grassfire.org hopes to have a million people sign its online petition before Inauguration Day.

We all know the power and sway online petitions hold over real-world events. I'm sure that if Grassfire.org met their goal of a million signatures, Barack Obama would resign the presidency immediately, and the Congress would pass a constitutional amendment making Newt Gingrich next in the line of succession. So it's a good thing for all of us that with two-and-a-half weeks to go, The Resistance is only 670,000 signatures short.

I wonder what could be keeping people away. I mean, they have a mission statement and everything. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"As an American citizen, while I will show respect to President-elect Obama, I oppose the far-Left and socialistic elements that comprise the centerpiece of his agenda. I recognize that it will take a patriotic and resilient Citizen Resistance to block implementation of this agenda and I join with others who oppose these threats to our liberties."

It still surprises me, albeit just a little, that there are people out there who weren't just using the "far-left Socialist" thing as a campaign tactic, but actually believe it. Delving into details, Grassfire appears to actually believe that Obama will promote "general disarmament", wants to reimpose the Fairness Doctrine, can't wait to take their guns away, and will engage in "Post-American globalism", whatever the fuck that is. I suspect that in 2016, after eight years during which Obama has done no such fucking thing, they'll all pat themselves on the back for having stopped it. With their online petition.

Also, what kind of shit-ass name is "Grassfire"? I mean, what is a grassfire if not a whole lot of hot air, fueled by very little, that burns itself out quickly? A fundamentally destructive yet pointless force? I mean, it's obvious what they were trying for - the populist appeal of "grassroots" without any of that pussy environmental connotation. They had to butch it up by making it FLAMING. And I love that they call it The Resistance, with none of the faggy French implications of "La Resistance".

Of course, part of their problem might be that the freedom-loving, big-government-opposing Grassfire requires you to divulge your full address, your phone number, your e-mail address, and can name up to five other family members to join the Resistance with you. I mean, the Duggars were going to join, but didn't want to fill the form out four times. Plus, they have opt-in check boxes for letting them send you shit, and letting their "partner organizations" to send you shit, which, looking at Grassfire, means the NRA is going to try to sell you Viagra. Nobody needs that.

Grassfire provides a vital service to the wingnut community. Deep in their heart of hearts, every single wingnut wants to be Patrick Swayze in Red Dawn. They want the Russians/Islamists/ACLU to invade, and they want to singlehandedly repel them with one M-16 and the triumph of their will. That's why their political opponents have to be elevated to the level of Marxist usurpers or Baal worshipers, because minor policy debates simply will not get their dicks hard.

And since they love a good, hard dick (but not in a gay way, of course), expect this kind of thing to continue all year long, from, I must point out, the same people who called it Bush Derangement Syndrome when the left got angry over shit the President ACTUALLY DID. Better keep your noisemakers from last night. It may be the only way to drown them out.