CGI Oppression

« January 2009 »


It's like a fucking smorgasbord. Andrew Breitbart, columnist for for the fake, cult-supported "Washington Times" pseudopaper, has decided that enough is enough, and that the conservative movement is going to use all that energy left over now that they're not in charge of anything to take over Hollywood. To this end, Breitbart has marshaled the vast forces at his disposal: an already-purchased domain, some hosting space, and probably a modified version of Wordpress or some damn thing to create the one thing Hollywood fears most. A group blog.

I could tell you about Big Hollywood's ludicrous goals, but why spell it out now when I'll be recapping it in introductory paragraphs for at least two months until the thing dies in its cradle like so many other shining beacons of right-wing activism? Instead, I'll kick off today's brief survey of the launch of Big Hollywood with its mission statement, which is certainly one of THE DAMNDEST THINGS I've ever heard an IDIOT SAY:

"Big Hollywood's modest objective: to change the entertainment industry. To make Hollywood something we can believe in - again. In order to give millions of Americans hope. Until conservatives, libertarians and Republicans - who will be the lion's share of Big Hollywood's contributors - recognize that (pop) culture is the big prize and that politics is secondary, there will be no victory in this important battle." - Andrew Breitbart.

It's like a bad riddle. How many conservative douchebags does it take to change Hollywood? All the ones who've tried it before... PLUS ME! Ben Stein was gonna lead the conservative takeover of Hollywood with "Expelled". Didn't happen. David Zucker and "An American Carol", ditto. Didn't happen, also ditto. And so on and so forth, back through the decades. If Joe McCarthy couldn't manage it with Congressional intimidation at his beck and call and a terrified public standing behind him, what chance does Breitbart stand? No chance at changing Hollywood, and every chance at amusing the fuck out of us until contributions dry up and the blog lies fallow.

"Explain to me why we can't say 'actress' anymore? ... Doesn't 'actress' mean an actor of the female gender? Who starts this nonsense? Um, romance languages routinely differentiate between genders without any perceived value judgment." - "Veritas Obviam", who is working to take over Hollywood by making sure nobody knows which "well-known screenwriter who has worked on dozens of movies and television shows" he is.

I'm pretty sure "actresses" started this nonsense, moron. And they did it because they'd be in a position to know whether our Romance (note capitalization) language was including a perceived value judgment in the term. You get ten points for ramping up the fake paranoia about Hollywood conservatives being blacklisted with your anonymity. You lose 20 points for having a stupid handle (Babelfish Latin for "Truth Is On The Way"), and minus several thousand points for wasting your bold anonymous stance on an old-man language rant that would trigger Andy Rooney's last remaining cluster of shame cells.

"More than our political views, and regardless of which part of the pop culture spectrum most engages us, what connects the Big Hollywood contributor is magic time, for we love the arts. And it’s a love that will manifest itself here in many forms, mainly through a sharing of our respective passions, but also criticism." - Big Hollywood Editor In Chief John Nolte.

Oh, I'm sorry, John. Welcome BACK to the Garden of Madness. Readers, you know John Nolte. But not by that name. You knew him as "Dirty Harry", fearless reviewer for even uglier right-wing movie site "Libertas". Fresh off his stint claiming that Hollywood had declared war on America and claiming Wall-E was the product of Bush Derangement Syndrome, Nolte is back under his real name and promising to watch the Fox Movie Channel. I shit you not.

"I’m told I’ll hurt my career if I continually spout off about Liberalism — which I see as a growing cancer in our society. Worldwide, I’ve seen Liberalism metastasize into virulent incarnations of Socialism, and, left unchecked, even into its malignant cousin, Communism. Only the arrogant or the somnambulist would think such a thing could never happen here. It’s a matter of increment. Once a group organizes into a coalition, it’s a short step to claiming the right to the property of another group. All that is necessary is for an individual’s right to personal property to become a secondary concern." - Gary Graham

You probably completely fail to remember Gary Graham as the sort of Steven Tyler-looking dude from the Alien Nation TV show. Fun fact - IMDB lists "Gary Rand Graham" as an alternate name, which is hilarious given his John-Galt-Lite rant above. Anyway, one of the things I love about loons is that they think there's a false equivalency between what they say and Hollywood liberalism, which spends most of its time walking around with an AIDS ribbon on its lapel or divesting from the Sudan, and only occasionally actually visits Tibet or takes its rowboat down to Katrina-ravaged New Orleans.

I don't know what's hurt Gary Graham's career (although his IMDB entry could certainly be used as evidence in its trial), but it's not actually odd that going around spouting off about how the barely-left Democrat leanings of your bosses and co-workers are a GROWING CANCER might be a bad idea. I fucking hate ABBA, but I don't go off on a twenty minute tirade if the co-worker two cubes down gushes about getting "Mamma Mia" on DVD.

Graham is apparently so toxic a conservative that he hasn't even been able to land a part in any of the Persecuted Conservative Vanity Projects like "An American Carol". It's a shame no prominent liberal from 2002 looked like a middle-aged Troll doll, so that Zucker could have thrown Graham a bone.

"You think audiences aren’t hungry for heroes? There’s a little movie out there called Slumdog Millionaire, which almost didn’t get released and is now being touted for best picture. It takes place in India and tells the story of a young man who overcomes impossible odds to succeed. People are lining up to see it. Why aren’t the many genuinely talented folks in Hollywood making pictures like that?" - Orson Bean

Now, I hate to pick on Orson Bean*, but I have no choice. He's the only other Hollywood contributor on Big Hollywood. That's it. The guy from Alien Nation, the Unknown Screenwriter, and Orson Motherfucking Bean. Everyone else is National Review castoffs, wingnut congressmen, nutjob bloggers like Greg Gutfeld, and a token woman.

I don't want to suggest that Orson Bean is a senile old fool living in a fantasyland of his own creation, but can anyone tell me exactly when Hollywood stopped making stories about young men overcoming impossible odds to succeed? Why, just this afternoon I learned about "The Minis", in which a group of little people become basketball champions thanks to the tutelage of Dennis Rodman. This is an actual movie. It's got a trailer and everything. Hollywood manages to make multiple sequels to movies where the same group of underdogs who overcame impossible odds to succeed are faced with even more impossibler odds and SUCCEED AGAIN.

I realize that the whole point of Big Hollywood is to bitch about how liberals ruined the right-wing Hollywood of Orson Bean's youth and turned it into an amoral swamp of propaganda movies all starring Sean Penn, but maybe they shouldn't undermine that premise on day one by complaining about the alleged lack of a Hollywood formula that iterates about ten times a year. Or a hundred if you count direct-to-video.

Fake outrage, desperate victimization, and blatant cluelessness? Oh, you can bet I'll be all over Big Hollywood like its writers at a free craft service buffet. Enjoying all I can, and stuffing the rest into my pockets for later.

*Not really. But as a C-list character actor who appeared on Match Game, he's got more street cred than the rest of Big Hollywood put together.