There's Even A Quiz!

« February 2009 »

Memo to the Big Hollytards: KEEP SLACKING.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still mildly obsessed with Big Hollywood, which I'm not even going to bother explaining for new readers because they should be reading the last three weeks' worth of columns anyway. But their stupidity pace has slackened as it loses its new blog smell. Oh, it's still a shameful clearinghouse for generic rants about liberals and Obama, but the clinically insane posts that actually fit in with the site's mission of Hollywood conservatives taking back their town? Slowing to a crawl. So I'm going to take advantage of their poor showing to clear out some of their classic idiocy. SPASBIG TOPHOLLY MONKEYWOOD FRIDAY!

Endre Balogh, violinist and photographer, asked a very stupid question once. "Why does the Hollywood entertainment industry continually place products into the public domain that are virtually guaranteed to fail?" His answer? Hollywood deliberately takes a loss on projects as long as those projects attack traditional values.

I have a counter-question. If Hollywood is devoted to losing money while attacking American values, why aren't studios going out of business left and right? Clearly, they're making money somewhere. Maybe conservatives should stop boycotting movies like Rendition and start boycotting movies like Transformers 2. Because if Balogh is right, every dollar red-blooded Americans spend watching shit explode goes straight into the production of pro-terrorist propaganda. And in the much more likely event that he's full of it, at least there won't be a Transformers 3.

Here's a fun little game. I'm going to list some headlines, and you can try and guess whether they're actual Big Hollywood headlines, or titles from those Onion columns where fake boring people write about fake boring shit. Here we go!

  • The Return Of "24" Is Big News In My Household
  • I Hate The Phrase "Generation X"
  • Must Be Tough Being Caroline Kennedy
  • Republican Is The New Punk
  • I Pledge Not To See Anything With Ashton Kutcher In It
  • And The Oscar Goes To - Who Cares?
  • Et Tu, Kid Rock?

If you guessed that there's no way in hell I'd go trolling through the Onion looking for actual Onion headlines, and that therefore all of these are from Big Hollywood, then you are a loyal reader of this column, and I salute you.

And now, your Orson Bean Is An Old, Retarded Coot update. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"When I was a boy, high tech communication was two tin cans and a string. It took most of the afternoon to find the cans, soak off the soup labels, punch the holes in the ends and knot the cord. What fun it was at four o’clock when you pulled the string taut, stood at opposite ends of the vacant lot and tried to figure out if you were really hearing anything. Now you don’t see even the poorest kid without a blackberry or a raspberry or a dingleberry or whatever permanently attached to his ear. God forbid we should not be entertained for one second of the day."

I can't imagine why Orson Bean would be nostalgic for a bygone age when people just had to accept that they might not be entertained, and had to settle for whatever crap-ass actor the networks slapped in front of their eyeballs. It's completely unfathomable to me. Of course, I'm sure I -could- think of a reason if my brain weren't desperately trying to escape the two horrible options before it - that Orson Bean has no idea what a "dingleberry" is, or THAT HE KNOWS DAMN WELL.

And finally, we have Tim Slagle, the world's saddest, most envious "political satirist and comedian", and his whine-fest about Tina Fey getting awards. In which he makes this astonishing claim:

"But then Tina Fey came on the air one night, with her hair in an up-do, and talking like she was in Fargo. And it was over. It is still amazing to me, that an impression of a candidate could have such an impact, but I know it did. John Ziegler proved it, in his now famous Zogby Poll. The majority of Obama voters actually thought Sarah Palin really said she could see Russia from her house."

First, John Ziegler is a known douchebag whose numbers should not be trusted. It's a known fact that Ziegler skews his data so that the poll results, when typed on a calculator and turned upside down, say BOOBIES.

Second, here's what Sarah Palin actually said. "They're our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.". I think the difference between the two statements is a hell of a lot smaller than the margin of error in a John Ziegler poll, so fuck right off and go back to working trade shows and telling Al Gore jokes at climate-denier conferences. It's not Tina Fey's fault you suck.