Re(tar)d Baiting

« February 2009 »


"It may not come off this way, but you've never met a host who wants to be wrong more than me. I pray, literally pray, each day, 'Dear Lord, show me where I'm wrong.'" - Glenn Beck

The debate surrounding the stimulus package is a black hole of dumb. If I get too close to it, I'll get sucked in, and I'll never be able to escape. It's dense like neutronium, thick like molasses at absolute zero, and if each stupid thing said about it were turned into a brick, the building made out of those bricks would be one of the seven wonders of the modern world. I mean, the bricks from Michael Steele alone could make one very spacious bathroom.

Which makes what Glenn Beck has done all the more astonishing. Glenn Beck has managed to say the single stupidest thing about the stimulus package of anybody with a major media platform. And he didn't just say one thing. HE actually created the stupidest SEGMENT ever about the stimulus, and ran it for at least two nights in a row, and each segment was filled with things, and each of those things ended up in a dozens-way tie for the stupidest thing ever said about the stimulus. And it starts with the title of the segment: COMRADE UPDATE, complete with Russian-style backwards R*.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the stimulus bill is communism. The signing of the S-CHIP extension is communism. I know Glenn Beck is someone who is paid to go out of his way to be unhelpful. I get that. And I know he's paid to be unhelpful by a network whose mission statement is also to be unhelpful. I get that too. I don't fucking care. I don't fucking care if the psychotic asshole lives on a Psychotic Asshole Nature Preserve, given an environment where he can survive as a psychotic asshole, and is surrounded by psychotic assholes in a psychotic asshole breeding program. Sometimes, you have to point and scream THAT GUY IS A PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE.

Glenn Beck needs to spend a week standing in line for toilet paper, then a month in a gulag. When he comes out, he'll be begging to return to a country where the government gives money to doctors so they'll treat poor children. This little red-baiting peckerhead would be first in line for his government check if we somehow managed to get all the heavy metals out of the water supply and his audience dried up overnight. Thanks, lead and mercury, for stunning insights like this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Our very country is at stake when people use emergencies to quickly shove programs down our throats without any discussion."

I don't know what the fuck Glenn Beck keeps in his skull to come up with things like that, but it's not a human brain. A human brain would recoil in horror at such a sentence, especially if that same brain had also supported the Patriot Act, the single most egregious example of esophagus-bursting, panicked, undiscussed legislation in recent history. A human brain would notice that the "undiscussed" legislation is in the middle of being discussed, both in Congress and by Glenn Beck while he's in the middle of saying it's not being discussed. A human brain would realize it's piloting Glenn Fucking Beck and throw itself off the nearest balcony.

Here's what I think. Glenn Beck has had sex with his copy of The Wealth Of Nations so many times that, between the stuck pages, the stains, and the tiny, one-inch-long tears, that now, when he reads it, all he sees are a random collection of letters and words. And this jumble of consonants and vowels is now how Glenn Beck defines capitalism. And anything that threatens his jizz-stained version of capitalism sends him screaming down to the Fox graphics department, where, I shit you not, he asks them to make a 3-D animation of a winding road that bypasses a crumbling, upper-case CAPITALISM and a similar SOCIALISM to arrive at the word COMMUNISM as the hills fade in red gradients and stirring martial music plays. And then says shit so stupid it should make nearby stuff explode.

"You know, yesterday I did a segment like this, and The Drudge Report, you know, 'Oh, look. They call it communism.' You know what? Look, you want to be a social socialist? Be a socialist. That's fine. You want to be a communist? Be a communist. Why are we hiding this? Why is it that we're not having the conversation now about universal healthcare?"

I know why WE'RE not having that conversation. Because we know that universal health care isn't fucking communism. What I can't figure out is why YOU'RE having this conversation, when you can't even build a scripted sentence without saying shit like "social socialist" and leaving out entire fucking verbs.

I'll tell you this much, when civilization collapses, and Glenn Beck stumbles into your enclave, naked and bruised and starving? Turn his ass away at the door. Give him half a can of spoiled dog food and point him toward the wasteland. Tell him that's where Bill built O'Reillyville. Do not, under any circumstances, succumb to the understandable temptation to kill and eat him. It might be contagious.

*Which completely fucks up the pronunciation of the word, but that's so far down the list of Glenn Beck inaccuracies that we'll let it slide. Or at least slide down to the footnote.