« March 2009 »

Memo to Joe Godlewski: YOU ARE EITHER DUMB OR A HOAX.

As a semi-professional* news commenter, I am often faced with a dilemma. This dilemma takes the form of a tiny local news story, usually no more than eight paragraphs long, containing only the slightest amount of corroborating detail. Yet, in that tiny space, the article describes an act of astonishing stupidity. Take, for example, the recent Russian raccoon-fucker with the mangled penis. I was forced to acknowledge the story because fucking a raccoon is one of the stupidest things you can do, even within the already dumb world of animal fuckery. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being conned by some poor desperate country longing for attention.

And so it is with Joe Godlewski, who got a tiny AP story out of Cresaptown, Maryland, who will soon be selling Blessed Christian Salt through a Memphis, Tennessee-based supplier, Ingredients Corporation of America. I mention all this detail because I have been able to determine, via the Internet, that Cresaptown MD exists, that a Joe Godlewski lives in Cresaptown, that Ingredients Corporation of America exists and does indeed package and sell custom spice blends, and that, despite my best efforts to fervently wish otherwise, Memphis, Tennessee exists.

So as far as I can tell without a product page showing up in Firefox, Blessed Christian Salt is real. It's salt, blessed by an Episcopal priest for what I assume is the traditional 10% cut, and sold to sucker Jesus-freaks all over the country who will detect nonexistent improvement faster than a late-80s audiophile who just spent a hundred bucks on a green marker. Normally, I would not have a problem with this, because Christians spending Christian money in an insular Christian economy keeps them busy carving angels out of driftwood and out of my hair.

But then Joe Godlewski had to give his quote. You know, the quote where the story turns from "local entrepreneur" to "crazy motherfucker". You might think that the development of Blessed Christian Salt would be devoid of the usual victimization that modern-day right-wing evangelicals bathe in, but you would be wrong. Even the humble bond between sodium and chloride threatens Christianity. Even though it's not a same-charge marriage, the hoaxariffically named Godlewski still has a coarse axe to grind. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Retired barber Joe Godlewski says that when television chefs recommended kosher salt in recipes, he wondered, 'What the heck's the matter with Christian salt?'" - Associated Press reporter Melissa Greathouse, who I must imagine hates her fucking job. And I empathize. Because Godlewski didn't stop there. "This is about keeping Christianity in front of the public so that it doesn't die. I want to keep Christianity on the table, in the household, however I can do it. There's no anti-Semitism. I love Jesus Christ and he was a Jew."First of all, fuck Joe Godlewski for watching "television chefs" without watching Good Eats. I guarantee you that when he says "Television Chefs", he means two things. He means Rachael Ray, who is neither a television nor a chef, and he means Giada DeLaurentis, whom he doesn't so much "take cooking advice from" as "masturbates sadly to". I would normally assume he'd also watch Guy "The Biggest Whore Food Network Has Ever Vat-Grown" Fieri, but I'm assuming Godlewski, as a retired barber, cannot look upon Fieri's horrible headgrowths without weeping in rage at the injustice of it all.

Godlewski's viewing habits are relevant to the discussion, because if he HAD watched Good Eats, he'd know that kosher salt isn't kosher salt because it's Jewish, or blessed by a rabbi, or contain within it the mighty Hebraic power to make your food feel guilty for never calling. It's called kosher salt because it's used for koshering, which is a verb. A verb referring to a process by which coarse salt is applied to meats to cure them and remove blood.

Koshering is utilitarian, which is a difficult thing for a superstitious ignorant moron barber to understand. Kosher salt is also utilitarian, which is again a difficult thing for a superstitious ignorant moron barber to understand. And if Godlewski doesn't understand why kosher salt is useful for cooking, then odds are his Blessed Christian Salt will not only be overpriced and imbued with the fake power of his fake god, it will also be some fine-grained iodized bullshit that you put in a shaker for your guests to use because you don't have any decent fucking kosher salt to season your food properly while you're cooking it. Asshole.

And while I'm here, let me state unequivocally that Christians do not get to claim Jesus Christ as their one Jewish friend when it comes time to ward off accusations of anti-Semitism. You cannot have your Jew and eat him too.

Also, for the record, Blessed Christian Salt is even doing a piss-poor job at religious hucksterism. Salt blessed by an Episcopal priest? That you don't even name? How lame is that? If I'm buying Blessed Christian Salt, it had better be freshly ground off of Lot's wife's right tit, or be painstakingly harvested from James Dobson's flop-sweat. Anything less and I wonder why you even bother trying.

*For values of "semi-" between 0.01 and 0.5