United Chucks Of Whatever

« March 2009 »

Memo to Glenn Beck and Chuck Norris: DO IT.

Are you there, God? It's me, Bryan. I know you don't exist, and I realize that because you don't exist, I've never asked you for anything before. Well, except for all the fake things I've ironically asked you for as a rhetorical device. But I'm asking you now, albeit ironically and as a rhetorical device. Please, if it is within your divine power, make it so that Glenn Beck and Chuck Norris go to Texas and secede.

It would be the best thing ever, except for the people who live in Austin. I like Austin, but let's face it. Anywhere you live you're subjected to risks. California has earthquakes. New Orleans has floods. Minnesota has dicksicles* in March. And Texas carries with it the constant possibility that Chuck Norris may ride in at any moment, Glenn Beck hugging him from behind (hopefully on a horse or motorcycle, but you never know) and decide that Texas will be a sovereign nation, implementing all the totally awesome and sane ideas for government you'd expect from Chuck Norris and Glenn Beck.

At this juncture, I must implement the standard You Are Dumb Dot Net fecal denial protocols. I am not, in fact, shitting you. Here is what Chuck Norris wrote in WorldNetDaily, because either Big Hollywood thinks it's too good for Chuck Norris, or Chuck Norris thinks he's too good for Big Hollywood, two notions that ar equally wrong and hilarious. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"When I appeared on Glenn Beck's radio show, he told me that someone had asked him, 'Do you really believe that there is going to be trouble in the future?' And he answered,'If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower), Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up.' Then Glenn asked me and his listening audience, 'And where's that going to come from'" He answered his own question, 'Texas, it's going to come from Texas. Do you agree with that Chuck?' I replied, 'Oh yeah!' Definitely. It was these types of thoughts that led me to utter the tongue-n-cheek frustration on Glenn Beck's radio show, 'I may run for president of Texas!'"

Say what you will about Chuck Norris. Say he's a thick-skulled, irrelevant, young-earth-Creationist, shit actor, shittier pundit, bugfuck-crazy, bearded asshole with delusions of macho grandeur. But I'll say this for the guy. If I ever need to construct a really long, really dull anecdote, relating a second-party conversation that includes relating a third-party conversation? I will look to Chuck's example above for guidance. It has all the flavor and flair of a pasted transcript, but with dozens and dozens of superfluous additional words. Chuck Norris is clearly a man to whom things are said by other men, like Glenn Beck, to whom things are also said.

But as dull as it is, if what Norris so painstakingly and painfully describes actually comes to pass, it will be the most entertaining catastrophe in American history. Norris refers to this potential event as the "Second American Revolution", which makes no sense. If states seceding over policy differences is an American Revolution, then Norris would be calling for the THIRD one. Or the Second Civil War. And I love the careful policy analysis both Beck and Norris put into the mechanism by which this secession would be triggered.

If America spins out of control, OR Mexico melts down, Texas will secede BEFORE America allows "a country", by which I'm guessing Norris would have to mean America, becomes a totalitarian state quickly under Democratic rule, or slowly under Republican rule. Got that? Me neither. And if neither of US understand it, I don't know how the fuck Norris thinks TEXANS are going to work out when to secede. They'll probably just all decided to secede individually, being such rugged individualists and all, and a different Texan will secede every five minutes for the next eight years, nine months, and 28 days, assuming everyone in Austin says "fuck this noise".

Then we get Chuck Norris' recap of Texan history, which is long and boring and boils down to "Don't Mess With" and "Remember The Alamo", the latter Chuck actually uses after spending two paragraphs reminding us what happened at the Alamo. And then we get to the real purpose of the piece, shilling for Beck's latest TV show:

"For those losing hope, and others wanting to rekindle the patriotic fires of early America, I encourage you to join Fox News' Glenn Beck, me and millions of people across the country in the live telecast, 'We Surround Them,' on Friday afternoon (March 13 at 5 p.m. ET, 4 p.m. CT and 2 p.m. PST). Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation."

So, wait. A bunch of small isolated "cells" of individuals, scattered throughout the country, deeply unsatisfied with the positions of the country's leadership, and trying to scare the rest of us into agreeing with them with militant rhetoric like "we surround you"? I guess one man's terrorist really is another man's freedom fighter, especially if that other man is as deeply fucking stupid as Chuck Norris and Glenn Beck are.

Well, boys, I invite you to go ahead and put your tiny dicks where your big mouths are. Literally and figuratively. Go on, live out your Sam Houston dreams of manly rebellion. Start the secession. Take your tongues out of each others' cheeks and DO IT. Run for President of Texas. It has oft been posited that dogs chase cars, but would have no idea what the fuck they'd do if they actually caught one. The same, I bet, holds true of Chuck and Glenn and actually running a sovereign nation full of people. And the best part? Unlike earthquakes and hurricanes and dicksicles, we wouldn't have to blame an indifferent, angry, and nonexistent God. We could lay all the blame at the feet of President Granpa Facekick and his chubby sidekick, Vice-Chancellor Fatty Beetface.

*Dicksicle (n) - a thin layer of condensed-water ice that forms around the genitals when the wind chill hits twenty below.