A Small Thought Experiment

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Memo to Twitterers: IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

After ignoring Livejournal, after passing on instant messaging, after barely flirting with YouTube, occasionally blogging, and never once bothering to digg, stumble, or boing, the political-media complex has fallen in love with Twitter. Some people wonder why this is, but as always, I have all the answers. To the media and political elite, Twitter is technology for creating plausible deniability.

Twitter gives people already predisposed to say stupid shit without thinking three valid, technological excuses for saying stupid shit without thinking:

  • "I would have gone into more detail, but I only had 140 characters."
  • "It's no big deal, I was just Twittering.
  • "Someone hacked my Twitter account!"

It's like crossbreeding a crack plant with a banana tree and throwing the fruit to monkeys with ADHD. Twitter is a dream come true for a group of people who used to have to surround their stupid shit with introductions, segues, and "God Bless The United States Of America" endings. As I am a Web 1.0 proto-Luddite and crankypants who loves his segues more than life itself, you will not be subscribing to @youaredumb anytime soon. But as a small thought experiment about small thoughts, and just to prove I can, here's a taste of what YADTweets would look like.

Meghan McCain is feuding with "Dr." Laura Ingraham. This is not the Republican implosion I paid for in November, but I'll take it.

AIG is paying millions of dollars in bonuses to the dicks who blew up the economy. Next time someone mentions "merit pay for teachers..."

The one lasting thing Jon Stewart accomplished by kicking Cramer's ass was making the world forget about Rick Santelli's faux populi.

Not watching monster movies starring Buffy second stringers will be much more exciting once the network changes its name to "SyFy".

The following two things are mutually exclusive: using the phrase "bring my A Game", and actually having a fucking "A Game".

"House Of The Dead: Overkill" has the Guinness record for most "fucks" in a video game. Motherfuckers at Headstrong deserve AIG's bonuses.

If Michael Steele gets replaced as RNC chairman by Norm Coleman, I will be the only political comedian in the country who breaks even.

Turkey has banned the teaching of evolution. Creationist skull explosions due to agreeing with Muslims in 5, 4, 3, 2...

See, fuckers? That ain't difficult. And note, for the record, that I worked without a net - full punctuation, no abbreviations. Screw Twitter. Screw it right in its tweethole. Let the rest of the internet limit themselves to 140 characters, but you can have my gratuitous verbage, bonus compound profanities, and overlong neologisms when you pry them from MY COLD DEAD HANDS.