Have You Hugged Your iPod Today?

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Memo to the entire universe: SHUT UP ABOUT THE HUG AND THE IPOD.

Yes, Michelle Obama put her arm around Queen Elizabeth. Yes, Queen Elizabeth appears to have made the first move. And yes, just knowing that diminishes me as a human being, so just imagine how much the collective obsession over over the course of the day yesterday diminished us all.

Similarly, yes, they gave the Queen an iPod. Yes, the Queen already had an iPod. It was a silver Mini. So? Raise your hand if you had an iPod in 2005. OK, now keep your hand up if you've either replaced that iPod in the past four years, or would have replaced it if you were the fucking QUEEN OF A WORLD SUPERPOWER. OK, now raise your hands if, as queen, you'd have about two dozen iPods, all carried by a servant in a velvet bandolier, who swaps them out for you when the battery runs down.

Now that everyone on the planet has their hands raised, can we shut up about the Obama's diplomatic gift purchases? And making up fake breaches of fake protocol when real protocol is stupid and fake to begin with? Please? I mean, listen to the fuckwit from Stop The ACLU go on about it like, well, like it had anything to do with the ACLU*. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Now, perhaps the songbook gift might have been nice (I’ve never heard of the guy), but, seriously, he’s meeting the Queen of England, and the best he can come up with is an iPod? Seriously? Her Majesty seems to be into tech as well, apparently being a big Wii fan, but, couldn’t Obama have come up with something a bit better? Maybe something cool from Hawaii. Or something for her Corgi’s."<?p>

This shows clear signs of being repeatedly rewritten to maintain the central premise in the face of contradictory facts. Immediately after acknowledging that they also gave the queen an autographed, rare Richard Rogers songbook, he asks if an iPod was the "best he can come up with". Well, no, dipshit. The best he can come up with was the iPod the queen requested, plus the rare songbook which you just said MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE. If you're just going to make shit up, tell everyone Obama gave the Queen a Blu-Ray of "Transformers" and/or syphilis.

And then Stinkypit Fartskull* shows what kind of gift-giving prowess he expects of his President, dammit! Something from Hawaii! Something for her incorrectly pluralized dogs! Clearly, the ideal gift in Mr. Fartskull's eyes would have combined the two concepts, and while CNN and Jay Leno would have mocked the Corgi-sized grass skirts for months on end, Stinkypit would be cheering Obama's genius diplomatic move in post after post on Stop The ACLU.

When was the last time anyone paid this much attention to who gave who what when heads of state met? It sounds like something from the society pages of a 1940s newspaper. And not even a real 1940s newspaper, but one of those fake newspapers someone would run across the stage reading aloud from in a shitty musical. "Didja hear? Eleanor Roosevelt just got a pet mime from the King of France!" "Really? That reminds me of a SONG!" STOP CARING.

And the hug? I watched newscasters breathlessly discuss how you're not supposed to "touch the Queen" over footage of the Queen shaking hands with dignitaries. Shaking hands is TOUCHING. The way people are reacting, you'd think Obama himself came up behind the Queen's throne during a meeting and rubbed her shoulders while she cringed. No, wait. The way people are reacting, it's as if it were much, much worse than that, because Dubya's rico suave moment with the German chancellor didn't dominate an entire day's news coverage.

Nobody gives a shit. If you do actually give a shit, jump off a bridge. If you're being paid handsomely to pretend to give a shit, push your boss off a bridge. When the ship of state is taking on water, the most prudent thing to do is jettison the fucking ballast, and you lot should be thankful I've elevated you to the level of ballast.

*And if the ACLU were something that actually needed to be stopped, of course.

**Look, if you're not even going to bother to sign your stupid posts with a made-up handle I can call you by, I get to call you whatever the hell I want.