Like Being Hit In The Face With A Scrotum

« April 2009 »

"GET SOME NUTS!" - Mr. T, Snickers commercials.

Years from now, we're going to look back on April 15, 2009 as the day that started the Second American Revolution, when Texas and Oklahoma seceded from the union, formed their own sovereign, tax-free, capitalist paradise under President Chuck Norris. And as we sit around the Starbucks, wondering about the ethics of the wall Mexico is building to keep "those filthy Texahomos" from illegally immigrating and taking honest Mexican jobs, we'll wonder how we ever could have mocked the National Tea Party.

Or, more likely, we'll wonder how we ever could have mocked it enough. Operation: Foolpity is only three days into its five-day mission (and yes, I have an exit strategy), but I'm having a tough time figuring out which fools to pity the most. But if I had to choose, I'd have to say I pity the suckas the most. The suckas are the people who actually represent the demographic the Tea Party wants to pretend it is - honest, hardworking Americans who wouldn't identify themselves as fringe Republican extremists, but wouldn't identify Lou Dobbs as a fringe Republican extremist either. To borrow a quote that Mr. T. never said, but should have, "a fool and his money are soon pitied".

Because it's bad enough that these people believe that Obama is going to tax them into oblivion if they don't sit on some steps and wave caffeine, cotton, and badly-misspelled signs at passersby. What'll be worse is if the whole thing somehow works, and all these poor bastards get fucked by a tax plan infinitely more radical than anything in Obama's wildest dreams.You see, the main organizing force behind the Tea Party movement is, as we've mentioned, FreedomWorks. The head of Freedomworks is Dick Armey*. Dick Armey is using the Tea Parties to pimp his other project, Scrap The Code, which is, guess what? A flat tax. And nothing in this world will give multimillionaires the five-foot erection they need to thoroughly fuck the middle class once and for all like a flat tax. To illustrate this, allow me to appropriate a few sentences from a Strib letter that accidentally makes my point for me. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I calculated that the combination of federal, state, Medicare, Social Security and real estate taxes amounted to 34.7 percent of our gross income. This doesn't include gas, sales, utility and whatever other taxes are heaped on us over the course of the year. In my opinion, we live comfortably, but we certainly aren't rich. At what point are we paying enough, or too much?" - Steve Kraus, of Plymouth.

There you have it. Government entities are taking 34% of Steve Kraus's income, plus additional sales taxes, utility taxes and gas taxes, and yet Steve Kraus is still able to live comfortably. You know what that means? That means you aren't paying too much. The reason progressive taxation works is because the more money you have, the larger percentage you can take while still allowing for a very comfortable life. You enact a flat tax, and everyone pays the same percentage, which sounds fair on the surface, but when you look at the life you have on what remains after that "fair" tax is removed, and all of a sudden it doesn't seem so fair.

What you will hear today is that progressive taxation punishes wealth, and that's bullshit. You know what the top marginal income tax rate was at one point in this country? NINETY PERCENT. The government was taking vast swaths of rich people's income, and you know what? People kept trying to be rich. Nobody tried harder to be poor. And that's because keeping twenty percent of a lot is still a hell of a lot better than keeping 80 percent of a little. Anyone who wants a flat tax is a greedy fuckhead who wants to benefit himself at your, and society's expense.

So if you're out there today claiming you've been Taxed Enough Already, and you don't make, oh, say five hundred grand a year or more? You're an idiot and a class traitor, throwing your voice behind Dick's Armey, a group of people who will, when they get what they want, laugh in your face as they wine and dine and drive and yacht off the money that was going to buy your second grader a desk with four legs to replace the one that falls over when he puts his books on the right-hand side. And that makes you, as the honorable Mr. T would say, the biggest sucka of them all.

*As much as I hate to cede superiority in anything to David Shuster, who kind of sucks, it pains me even more to cede superiority to him on my own turf - dickjokery. But I will give the man credit for managing to get, on air, on MSNBC, the following sentence: "And in Cavuto's defense, if you are planning simultaneous tea bagging all around the country, you're going to need a Dick Armey." David Shuster, I tip my hat to you.