You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
The Best Of The Worst Of The Jibba Jabba (Uttered)
"Quit yo Jibber-jabber! You ain't hurt, yo pathetic!" - Mr. T
While I love the many signs from Tea Party Day, and could snark at them for months, not all the jibba-jabba from Wednesday was in sign form. People were also talking a lot - at the rallies, on the news, on the Internet. From a bunch of people who aren't hurt, who are pathetic, and who refuse to quit. They deserve their day in the sun, or their day in where the sun don't shine.
"Mainstream media wants to paint us as a bunch of extremists, right? We’re in search of liberty and our freedoms. What’s so extreme about that? I’m just regurgitating. I believe in common sense... Let me give you another extremist view, ‘In God We Trust.’ Say that too loud in some parts of America and you will be shot. It’s terrible." - Sam Not A Plumber Wurzelbacher.
You know how you can tell, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your event sucks? Sam Wurzelbacher's speaking. You know how you can tell, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your event REALLY sucks? The audience is cheering Sam Wurzelbacher. Yes, Sam. What's so extreme about stating that people, presumably liberals, will shoot you for saying "In God We Trust"? Other than it being a completely insane lie you're telling to incite a crowd of morons in Michigan to hate atheists and liberals.
"I don't want to see this country turn into a welfare, nanny state, where we stand in line for groceries, and we're in welfare lines, and in socialized medicine lines." - Joanne Wilder, of Syracuse, NY.
Ah, Syracuse. Place of my birth. And while I have a certain residual loyalty to the old town, there's a reason they didn't build M.I.T. there, OK? Like Wilder, who lives off Social Security benefits and disability benefits and is somehow in fear of a big-government welfare nanny state. I hate to tell you this, Joanne, but the people who set those rallies up? They'd love nothing more than to cut your Social Security, take away your disability benefits, and tell you that faith-based institutions will pay your bills out of the kindness of their Godly hearts.
"We already have tea parties being planned on July 4th. Somebody asked today [if we are] going to have a Million Person March. I don't know about that. Despite all the problems we've had today, it's been amazing. My hope is that in 2010 people running for office really know that they have to take issues like limited government -- they have to take fiscal responsibility -- they have to really look at those things." - Rebecca Wales, organizer of the D.C. protest, which pulled in about... three thousand people.
And MY hope is that in 2010, people running for office really know that if the attendees of Wednesday's tea parties, all across America, were the entire audience for a small-scale basic cable network show, that show would be cancelled after three episodes. Oh, and "all the problems we've had today" includes not actually having permission to dump one million tea bags on a park lawn in D.C., forcing them, in a last minute switch, to dump the tea bags in... the twelfth floor conference room of right-wing think tank Competitive Enterprise Institute.
In the entire history of sticking it to the man, has the man ever had it stuck to him less than it did on Wednesday? I think not.
"I wouldn’t want my kids near that protest because the teens were screaming so loud and some were covered in fake blood, carrying signs with Bush super imposed with Hitler. Their chants included saying 'fuck' a lot. Apparently, daddy’s private school money didn’t pay for an etiquette workshop. But on Tea Party Day, no freaks show up. - Doug TenNaple, Big Hollywood.
Um, Doug? If your idea of a "freak" is someone who compares the President to Hitler, you really need to open your fucking eyes. But I bet it isn't. I bet your definition of "freak" is someone who compares a Republican to Hitler while saying "fuck". If they compare Obama to Hitler (Or, as we saw yesterday, OBama to HiTler), that's fine, because at least they're just ordinary, non-swearing folks. Not freaks at all.